I tried my best and I did a bit better. We went on a weekend getaway that went well, but ultimately I decided it was best to split and work on myself. Yesterday. I was itching in anxiety about whether or not we should be together recently…  it has been all that I’ve been thinking about. I was making myself physically sick and constantly had headaches and fatigue… I’m in a very rough patch right now. I don’t know if what I did was right nor do I know what to do next. I can’t bring myself to do much at all these days except worry. Nothing that I want to do is getting done…  I haven’t been able to better myself with him or (so far) without him. I’ve had a lot of these same problems when I was alone too just in different forms and couldn’t get better even constantly trying so I don’t know that being alone will help but I couldn’t make him endure this journey anymore… I’m just stressed and sad. Trying not to contact him. I didn’t want to hurt him and I didn’t want to be alone. It’s hard to loose that unconditional love and be all alone.

He doesn’t think it’s right what she does. He’s there for me but doesn’t really know what to do.

At first when she started hating on him I tried to hide it from him. It didn’t last long though because she’d do it right before he picked me up and was so relentless by time I got in the car I was in tears or visibly upset. I did tell him what she’d say and sometimes out of anger. I wanted him to try harder around her to impress my parents.

He tried, but it really just made him more uncomfortable. I started off introducing him on a very tense note because I held him from meeting them for so long for what I thought was his sake.

He basically just says it’s not right how she does me and he can’t understand who would do that but what she says is not true and I can’t let it get inside my head like I am… His answer for most things is that he’s there for me and that I need to sort out the trash for the truth… it upsets me a lot that he doesn’t understand that it’s not so easy to let someone get inside my head, especially my mom. But really he tries and he doesn’t leave me hanging. If it happens he’s there for me by phone and will pick me up or I can go there if needed. I try not to make it obvious to my mom though that he knows everything that happens because she’ll resent him more.

He wishes he could be by my side for everything and says one day that she won’t be able to get me alone like that because he’ll be right by my side to face it with me. She doesn’t do to his face so he’s never actually had a bad encounter with her.

Anita, I still have to believe he’s mentally very healthy and strong. I think he’s still holding on the person I was for the first 6-10 months of meeting me and has faith that he can help me through this and we’ll be super happy again. He says we’ll make it through it and we’ll be better and stronger for it. A lot of the time I am sweet as pie and no matter how much of an up and down there is I believe he focuses on my caring, giving, adventurous and fun loving person he fell in love with because even though I switch and am triggered by anything I still do have just as much those moments… I express my regret to him and he understands a lot of it is my mom and that I am too much of a perfectionist. I apologize and apologize but the next time it happens I haven’t been able to control it. I sometimes wonder if he’s still with me because “I’m a good catch.” People always comment how lucky he is to be dating someone so “physically attractive” (out of his league according to my mom).

Of course my mother and her father do not express their wrong-doing and they’ll continue being that way until the day they die.

I want to know how to control myself for him. And because it’s a vicious cycle making me go further and further down a black hole because how bad I’m getting is all I think about. I dwell on it… and get further away from the person I want to be. I have been hard on myself from a very young age. That I wasn’t perfect. I’ve always tried to work on myself but I dwell on my imperfections instead and it makes it worse.

With my boyfriend when I was lashing out – At first I didn’t realize I was even doing it (and it wasn’t as bad), then I’d become aware I was wrong immediately after the fact and I’d tell him, now I realize I’m doing it during but haven’t been able to control myself…

In general I think my anxiety on life is worse. I am doing very well in my work that’s the only place where I feel in control but it’s a very high stress business.

I have gotten very aware when I’m doing it now, which at first I didn’t. The next step is controlling it…