Dear ElleTinker700,

Many, many thanks for your reply and for answering my questions. I really appreciated your detailed explanation and the insight you shared with me/us on tinybuddha.

Even though my personal beliefs differ (and thank goodness for that, otherwise it’d be a very boring world :-)), I do feel I understand where you’re coming from. I understand your reasoning much better and I deeply respect it.

I am very glad to hear that you are in a good place in your life right now. I do hope you stay strong and continue on this path.

One last thing. It is true that, based on let’s say the frequency with which you have mentioned your ex in your previous posts, I interpreted that as a sign that you are still grieving for your relationship. But that is nothing more than my own interpretation, it’s obviously not a fact. Therefore, even if it may be a bit confusing at first, please feel free to talk and post about her as much as you want as long as you feel sure it doesn’t cause you unnecessary pain and distress.

My best wishes,
Maddie

Dear Shun,

I can only imagine the pain and emotional turmoil you must be feeling right now. I am so sorry that you have to go through this.

First of all, please know that you are not alone. Here’s at least one person who’s (virtually) holding your hand and telling you that you are going to be all right.

From what you have written both here and in your earlier post(s), I sense that you appear to have lost your sense of agency in this situation. This is, of course, only my interpretation so please correct me if I am wrong. However, if my understanding is accurate, then I firmly believe that the first step is for you to regain the sense of control. You really *are* in full control of your life. You are the only one who can write Shun’s story. Please do exactly that and don’t allow anyone else full control to shape your future.

I also think it is really important that you look and assess the situation objectively.

You have stated that you are still in love with your ex-husband. That you still want him back. I’m genuinely asking you: is this actually the truth?

A break-up is an extremely difficult situation even without the hormone cocktail you are now dealing with. Such feelings of wanting your partner back are perfectly normal.

However, could it be that it’s actually not really him who you’d like to have back in your life but perhaps and idealized version of him? What do you think?
I’m asking this because I think it is necessary that you look at the reality of who this man really is. His true colors. His character.

I’m also asking this because I find it really, really hard to believe you would want a man who essentially abandons his pregnant wife.

Therefore, please make sure that you know who or what you really want. He is who he is. Do you really want him or the idealized image of him that still lives inside your heart?

From your post, I understood that you would like to deal with your separation and move forward from the break-up. Have I understood this correctly?

If that is the case, please keep in mind I am not a psychotherapist and I am probably not even the best person to give advice. However, I would like to share with you some ideas I had while reading your post. Who knows, maybe you can find something that works for you.

1. Keeping in mind that he is the father of your child it is impossible to completely eliminate him from your life. Your baby does have the right to grow up with a father and your partner may also claim the right to be involved in your child’s life.
However, right now you are in a special situation. From my point of view, the most important thing now is your physical and mental well being. Not just for yourself, but most importantly for the baby.
Therefore, if you find that your partner’s attempts to contact you are bothering you so much, would you please consider limiting these contacts? You do need time to heal. Please make an active decision.

For example, you could explain to him how badly hurt you are after talking to him and inform him that from now on you will only meet him once a month to keep him up to date. Then simply forbid him to contact you during the month. This way you can mentally prepare for dealing with him

2. Whenever these feelings of sadness, longing and desperation become overwhelming, you could simply start doing something else, maybe a physical activity. You could try working on some of your hobbies, pick up some coloring book for adults or simply learn how to knit, etc. Which brings me to:

3. The most obvious thing: focus on the baby. You could already start planning in advance what your baby’s room will look like, what clothes they would wear, is there a good kindergarten in the area, etc. Perhaps you have already considered these things. I’m just encouraging you to approach them again with love and joy and not as items on a to-do list. There are so many beautiful things that deserve your attention right now. Even if money is a problem there is always something one can do.

The point is I would suggest you try to shift your attention from the pain to something that is fun or useful or preferably both. What do you think? Of course it will be hard. It will need a lot of patience and perseverance. However, any small step will be worth it. In time, you will notice that the pain slowly fades away. It will never disappear, but it will certainly recede with time. Please give yourself the gift of time and love. Love for the new person you are bringing in this world and love for yourself. Trust me, you are much stronger than you think.

Best wishes,
Madikejla