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Makingtide

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  • September 7, 2021 at 9:34 pm #385943
    Makingtide
    Participant

    Hi Vikram

    I don’t need her to change – I accept her as she is.  I love her exactly as she is.  There are things that she could change that would make things better, but my love for her is not conditional on that.

    I will keep trying until my last breath or until she cuts the knot, but it’s so difficult to communicate with her any more.  We are now living apart and she has made it harder and harder for me to see any light at the end of the tunnel.

    She doesn’t want to try for this and that’s hard to accept after nearly three decades.

    September 7, 2021 at 9:29 pm #385942
    Makingtide
    Participant

    Hi Anita
    I response to your questions:

    1. Did she not tell you over the 25 years in what ways you were hurting her… or did she tell you of these ways only recently?

    No, she rarely told me how she was feeling.  She came into the marriage with existing trauma and did not confide deep stuff to me, partly because she was already programmed not to, but also because she was afraid of how I’d react.

    2. Did you try to change at any time during the past 25 years of the marriage, or is the current time (because she is considering divorce) the first time that you are trying to change?

    I tried a few times to change some of the stuff I became aware of, but now a lot.  It was only when she finally opened up about how much pain I’d caused that I started putting in a serious effort and sought counselling and help from behavioural change specialists. It was not long after that that she told me she wanted a divorce – that initially gave me even more drive to change and demonstrate how I wanted to be for her, but the energy to keep up the changes is lagging and her  attitude toward me is still in divorce mode.  That makes it even harder to find the energy and motivation to change – old habits come back too easily, but I still want to be a better person (with or without her) and I still love her and want to save the marriage.

    September 7, 2021 at 4:38 am #385902
    Makingtide
    Participant

    I wish there had been more answers in this thread.  I’m on the other side of this equation.  I’ve caused so much harm and pain to my wife over 25 years (some I was aware of, lots I wasn’t), but I want to change and want to make her happy.  She doesn’t see that there is a path forward for us and I have a lot of trouble accepting that.  I so desperately want to save our marriage, make her happy, respect her, cherish her and I’m doing everything in my power to change (including men’s behavioural change courses), but she just wants a divorce.   She’s really hurting.

    After reading all the stories like mine, it seems there is no chance, but I want to believe there is.  Is there anyone out there that actually recovered from this and ended up in a happy, respectful, healthy relationship without divorce?

    I know I’ve been the problem.  I don’t deny it, so please be sensitive in answers.  I’m hurting too.

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