So Situation update……

Last Wednesday was going to be their first date, there was a lot of up and down fighting leading up Wed, but then my Mother in Law fell down and hurt her hip and was bed ridden. Meant that the wife had to cancel. Now during the lead up to all of this I could sense that my wife was struggling with this decision big time. I actually think there is a large part of her that does not want to go through with it, but she is having internal conflict. This could be bad or good, too early to decide.

I guess that I should set the table a little. My wife would like to just spend some alone time with, I will call him Jay. One of my hangups is that I know that there is more to it than just meeting to spend time with someone. But that is my hangup, she tells me that she feels good because he does not look at her as a mom, wife, or daughter, but that he just treats her like her with no judgement. There could be a whole lot to unpack with this statement, and her and I have discussed it that all of those things together make up who she is and who I am, but she is so broken from the anxiety/depression that those labels disable her.

Well the meetup was moved to this past Sunday night, but was then cancelled when I was given Sunday night off. So right now I am not sure what the status is. I know that we had a great weekend together and with the family, there was more smiling and laughing at my house this past weekend than there has been in a long time.

So my mental health, her and I have talked about it a lot leading up to this past Tuesday night. That night I was a wreck, I spent all night having some of the craziest discussions with myself. I almost made myself sick a couple of times, and during all of it I finally realized that it is not a healthy way to live my life. I had to stop worrying about what could happen in the future, and fully embrace living right this minute. I made a pact with myself that I would focus living right now, if my mind started wandering, I would pull it back to what I was feeling, after about a day of actively focusing on that thought, most of the worry just melted away.  Whats some of the worse things that can happen…Well it will be that my wife sleeps with another man, has an amazing time and realizes that she is so unhappy with me that she is going to leave and run away with Jay, or that she will never look at me the same again, or that she has such an amazing time that she will constantly make fun of how bad I am and how I cant compete with Jay. These are all possibilities, but so is the fact that while driving home from work tonight that I get hit by a drunk driver. I am tired of living with that worry, I need to give myself more credit, I am a great husband and father. I still have a lot of work to do but I am there for my family and need to live life to the fullest. So I am no longer going to worry about Jay, things will play out the way it does. I will live for right now, and will learn about my feelings and getting down to the root cause for these negative feelings, it is a on-going fight that will continue to allow me to be a better person.

Matt

Inky,

I have actually met the other guy, he is someone that she went to school with back in the day. This was early on, and under a very unusual circumstance. I of course lost my head, made a complete ass of myself and said lots of things that I should not have said. I expressed my raw emotions. We have talked about the other side of the coin when and if I would find someone. She has encouraged it and has openly admitted that if she were in my shoes that she would probably not be aable to handle the situation as well as I have handled it. The jealousy has began to diminish as I have taken the time to really look into the roots of what I am worried about. That makes sense about another mans baby. I never thought to actually look at it from that point of view.

Anita,

I thoroughly agree that the change is the reason that I feel better, the freedom from these emotions is liberating. It has given me a way to deal with the depression/pills/family. You know come to think about it all of those things have an extremely similar feelings to the ones with the open relationship.  I mean boil it all down and it is like she is having an affair with prescription pills., or her depression. I was constantly fighting for time or attention. All of those days where I was left alone with the kids for days on end because she just had a ambien script filled and would dose ambien all day and night until the pills were gone.

Right at this moment the thought of finding another woman or having a relationship with another woman hasnt crossed my mind, but maybe subconsciously me accepting an open marriage is a way for me to escape, to find the missing pieces somewhere else.

But I also want my wife to get better and I have a feeling that this may be able to throw a wrench into the pills/depression cycle If it makes her look into the mirror and see a different/better reflection, wouldn’t that be a good thing. Even if it destroys our relationship, I believe that I am willing to take that risk.

Thanks for the responses and the questions and your viewpoints really help me think through this feelings

Matt