The attack happened just between those two posts, the latter being the one that drained me of all my energy. I do wonder how I would’ve reacted to those latter attacks had I been at full mental health when they happened.

I tend to rank years based on how good they were. 2012 was great – I graduated, had no money issues, continued my studies. 2013 was pretty good as well. 2014 I didn’t land a job, which cut into my school motivation and I was on a shurt fuse – you could tell by my posts on that forum becoming less considerate. Add to that the fact that I was just becoming interested about immigration and such and it was a disaster in the making because you really have to be careful with your words when it comes to this stuff. 2015 could’ve been great since I did get a job and moved out, but it ended up being my worst year yet due to this. 2016 is shaping up to be mediocre – if I finish my studies properly and land a job, that should up my mood quite a bit, but I’ll still be a far cry of my normal self. I plan on continuing straight to Master’s studies and by then I’d say I’ll be in good enough mental condition that my school performance won’t be terribly affected. Still, what an utterly pointless episode this has been. What could possibly be more important than your own mental health? Once you lose it, what do you have left? I keep telling my past self – you have precisely one responsiblity – keep yourself at strictly 100% mental capacity so that you can handle what life throws at you. That is nonnegotiable – you do not have permission to do anything that could endanger it.

• This reply was modified 8 years, 8 months ago by Mete.
• This reply was modified 8 years, 8 months ago by Mete.

Sometimes it’s a gut reaction that maybe you express before you have all the facts. Sometimes it’s a long-held belief that might be anchored in questionable history.

Both of these statements ring true. For example, I had never considered myself racist in the strict sense of that word, but I did have negative impressions of some groups of people and may have picked up influences that were less than healthy that no one had really brought into question before all of this. For example, I can remember moments from my teenage years where I already had a negative impression of the Romani and held that belief for years. I never had a bad experience with them myself, was smart enough to be wary of them. I’m an international student and really did not give too much of a damn about race in general (which is good) and it wasn’t really part of my set of interests anyway. That second post was very much premature in that there’s really no reason whatsoever for me to set my opinion in stone at such a young age on an ever-evolving issue such as immigration and islam. Best to leave your options open.

Thank you for your concern, anita, but I will stick around on that forum for a while longer. The people there have been very understanding and forgiving and right now I’m feeling quite lonely, so I’d like to connect with people. I moved out last summer and under normal conditions would’ve welcomed the peace with open arms but I haven’t been able to enjoy it due to all of this. I normally enjoy spending time on my own, but now I crave for relationships and activity that puts my mind out of all of this.

I will, however, steer clear of politics for the time being. I tried my hand at it, blew it and caused myself massive amounts of headache, so perhaps it really isn’t for me. Life was much more enjoyable and simpler when I stuck to other interests.

I generally try to make the best of people and appreciate a good debate for its own sake, but some people are quick to instantly jump into personal insults, mockery and so forth. Particularly the PC anti-racism crowd.

• This reply was modified 8 years, 8 months ago by Mete.
• This reply was modified 8 years, 8 months ago by Mete.

Thanks for the thoughts. I’m now back on the forum and will be for as long as it takes for it to stop being ‘that place where that bad thing happened’. Really though, its well past it’s hayday and if I had simply had the foresight to drop out without causing drama, that would’ve been perfect. The set of interests I had developed back then weren’t really something I could freely discuss there – I talked about how this and that was a threat, but really, it was that forum that was a threat to me. It had some alright people but was quite honestly more trouble than it was worth.
And yes, I did say some of my genuine opinions – only to receice dismissal and mockery in return by people who clearly had no interest beyond making the worst of me. And that really pissed me off, so they achieved their goal, while I lost. And now I have to let go of resentment toward them and forgive them for that.

I did have some people who stood up in my defense and I’m very grateful to them for that. I’ve beeb using this nickname for a good decade now and it’s kind of become my second name in some sense and now it feels tarnished.

• This reply was modified 8 years, 8 months ago by Mete.
• This reply was modified 8 years, 8 months ago by Mete.
• This reply was modified 8 years, 8 months ago by Mete.