Dear Lily: Pardon my english. It is not my native language. I am not an expert in psychology, either. I just read your post and felt completely identified. And I just wanted to tell you that you are no alone in how you feel. I have gone through various therapies throughtout my life and have never been able to feel happy. My body tells me so. It reminds me that I my mind is and soul are not healed whenever I think I am in control of my life..I had a bad adolescence. My mother married again with a narcissist man and her unconditional love of him turned her abusive on me and let my stepfather his huge share of abuse too. I’ve told to let my past go, that it tights me to suffering and that only looking forward will let me start over. But I can’t. I feel like a bent tree. I have barely overcome the torture of seeing how my parents gave everything to my brother and sister (their own children) and never valued my own success. I kept wanting to keep this family for me and became so dependent that I started to believe I was nothing, not lovable and, using the tree metaphor, started to wither. I made enormous efforts to try to find myself, to love myself, to build my own family, but failed every time. I blamed myself because how could an intelligent, pretty woman not be able to overturn her own life..For the “nth” time, I am going through a terrible breakup. Once again I hooked up with the wrong man. What hurts the most is that this time I thought it would be different. I thought I had finally chosen someone who respected me and loved me for who I am. I did not give great importance to the fact that he is still married, even though he leads separate lives with his wife. She made him promise he would no divorce her, says she won’t give him the divorce, and every time he has come up with the possibility of talking, his grown daughters fight with him. Now she is fighting with cancer and he is stressed up with guilt and so every time I come up with wanting to clear up if I should just align with being the “lover” (and adjusting my role in order to keep up a life where I don’t deny myself completely), he fights with me and says that he doesn’t need more problems in his life. Worse of all: he is my boss. To make this story short, I know I could receive 1000 solutions. But the thing is I am very tired of life. Thinking of him leaving me (which will probably happen soon), or me leaving him and my job to start all over, after a life of having to start over has worn me off. I swear nothing lifts up my spirits, it is no depression, it is dispare. I am 45 and see no future for me after all. I was a famous anchorwoman, today I am almost jobless. I have no children, very few friends who are dealing with their own lives and my family finally broke up. My mother and stepfather separated. I am a messed woman. I don’t know what it is to be loved, unconditionally loved. So I don’t know how to put boundaries and limits. I can’t recognize what actions and words are abusive so I can hardly put a stop to them. I am so desperate to be loved by a man that I am willing to take the crumbs. My father was never there for me. So I believe you..mess up a child and the adult that will grow will probably be impaired. This is not for everyone, I know. But some of us – it may be genetic – cannot recover from the damage. Regards, Lily. And you’re not the only one who feels lonely dispare.