Hi Teak,

As I get better and feel safer I will reach out for therapy in one of the classic ways. For now in the meantime, forums, online videos from credible trauma psychologists (like Dr. Ramani), and discord groups have been helping. And yes, I am extremely grateful for not only people online like yourself but my friends who have been amazingly supportive. I am very lucky there.

I am going to accept that they will never do the right thing and give up on any line of thinking in that direction. I will not wish he will give me closure or try to seek it out because I know he will not. I will not try to have any contact with him or his parents. If I see him I will go in the other direction and I will not seek him out in any way. I will write this letter and give it my friend and then put this in my past be done with it and just work on healing myself from this terrible trauma. I will realize that he doesnt win and I am not helpless because he will always be a monster but I can get well. My mantra will be success is the best revenge if I ever start thinking about it. I will work hard to heal.

I really appreciate the opportunity to talk to you here and get advice. Thank you so much for helping. Please send up a “prayer” for me for strength and healing.

Thank you again for your time.

My friend offered to have me write a letter and send it to him.

I don’t have a therapist. I cannot afford a quality one right now and the wrong one can worsen my condition.

Oh I am sorry. Text can be confusing sometimes. When I wrote that if they did the right thing it would make healing easier for me and when I was describing closure I was lamenting my situation and hurt that they have done such a cruel thing to me. I wasn’t hoping they would do the right thing; I was simply venting because I know they won’t do the right thing. I was also saying true closure comes with both parties communicating and being on the same page, and i feel what I am doing is different from true closure because both parties are not involved. I am just doing everything I can to give myself a semblance of closure and do what I can to heal. I was venting because I know if they did the right thing and gave me true closure it would truly help my healing process, but unfortunately I know they will not do the right thing, so I must find productive and healthy things I can do on my own to heal myself. I know healing does not depend on them and their reaction. It is just i know if they did the right thing, it would be easier to heal. I truly believe it will be more difficult to heal without mutual respect and both parties communicating effectively but I believe I can heal without true closure – it will just be harder naturally.

Legally, I do not have a restraining order on me anymore. That has passed. I am not under any legal order now.

Also, I honestly do not know what my friend will do with the letter. He wouldn’t tell me. He just said to send the letter to him. I am not involved at all with what happens to that letter after I send it to him. He can do whatever he wants with it; I wouldn’t know and he won’t tell me. He can burn it for all I care. If he did send it to them, I wouldn’t know and I wouldnt have anything to do with it and am certainly not asking him to do so, and he does not have any previous contact with them. I am pretty sure it would be safe…. But I honestly won’t know what happens after i send it to him. it is just about getting it out on paper and giving myself closure as best I can and then being done and moving on.

Does that make sense?

• This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by MKnox.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by MKnox.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by MKnox.

I am not even sending it to them. I am sending the letter to a friend of mine.

I think I will just wait a couple of weeks to show I have let this go and have given up desiring any kind of closure and then write a carefully crafted letter for my abuser and for his father and then wash my hands of all of this and move on with my life and leave all this in the past.

My friend told me to give him the letters and won’t tell me what they will do with the letters, but I kind of think he will end up sending them to them. He has told me he wants me to have a voice in a way that keeps me safe and that if anyone were to question them they would make sure people knew i had nothing to do with it.

Anyway even if I sent them a letter myself I dont think it is grounds for further legal trouble especially if im saying i want no more contact and am moving on with my life and just wanted to have a voice and give myself closure. And i dont think they will retaliate because they know i have evidence now that can get their son in trouble and am far enough away from the abuse to truly stand up for myself should they try.

And god if your the kind of person that would read all this and hear the victim say they just want to forgive and have a voice and have closure and move on and be done with this and still try to hurt them then youre a truly evil person and i dont think thats true. esp of his father.

Hi Teak,

Honestly, no. This is about human decency and respect and being able to have a voice. There may be a small part of me that is extra driven to want respect and to have a voice because I didn’t get it as a child from either parent and yes my childhood sucked but i went through recovery for that. This about fighting to heal from a lot of shit already and now having to start all over again because of a sociopath.

Think about this: When Larry Nassar was in court for the horrible things he did to those female gymnasts, ALL of those gymnasts were allowed to come forward with letters and statements to Larry in order to speak and have a voice and get closure. I am NOT allowed that and on top of it I was made to look like I was the problem and he was somehow the victim. My whole life has been ruined because of this.

I feel I need to STRONGLY yet respectfully disagree with your stance that what his parents are doing is understandable because they are protecting their son. Some of this stance may be because I have not fully explained, though.

For example, the last time I saw my abuser, he told me to sit and talk to him and said he wanted me to have everything I ever wanted and was sorry and wanted to give me the closure I had been so badly needing. While I was waiting for him to pay his bill and leave with me to talk, he then begged me for sex, said my mom is a cunt, that I am a stupid jew, that he never laid a hand on me, etc, and when I said no I wont have sex with him because he will just be putting all his hatred onto me, he laughed and said I know. You are right. And then leaned his head back and laughed maniacally and said I won I won you lose and pointed at me then he grabbed me by the throat and choked me, and when I finally got his hand off my throat, he shoved me HARD. He was kicked out of the establishment but begged me to follow and said he was sorry and he would just talk from now on. As soon as we got in my car and headed on the interstate, he begged me for sex again saying i’d never have it as good as him and put his hands down my pants and up my shirt while I was driving and saying no. I finally said you don’t have consent really loud and said you promised you’d just talk, and he sulked. Then put his feet on my dashboard and said you know you really have an ugly car, and I said what and he said yeh a really ugly car and then he kicked the windshield and i said stop and he kicked it again really hard and busted the ENTIRE windshield while i was driving 70 down the interstate. I asked him why and he said because I can! We could’ve died! Then he called his mom and said i’ve made a mistake. I grabbed the phone and told her what happened and that I was dropping him off on the side of the road, and she insisted I bring him there. His dad pulled him out of the car when we got there and called him a dumbass and dragged hi into the house, and his mom told me she would make sure he pays to have my windshield replaced. He replaced my windshield the next day. We talked. She KNOWS what her son did. She knows many things her son did to me that was abusive.

The thing is I think they KNOW their son is a sociopath. I think they KNOW he abused me horrifically. I have tried to tell his mom so many times how her son was abusing me. Considering she is a WOMAN and the whole MeToo thing how could she know her son is so abusive and is abusive a woman and STILL lie to further traumatize a victim of abuse!? Its plain disgusting! That is not protecting their son. That is abuse! And that is enabling their sociopathic abusive son! Enabling a sociopath will only make them a better abuser! If they want to protect him, they need to get him into treatment! They say they cannot because he is a grown man and its out of their hands, but yet they come to court to lie for him?! They should protect the victim not the abuser! They know what he is!

To further illustrate, when I first met my ex he told me he wanted me to meet his parents. He said I would love his dad and he is great but beware of his mom. I asked why but he would not elaborate. When I first met them, I felt SERIOUS tension in the house. Looking back, I realize they were probably nervous that he had a girlfriend. I think he has done this before! I think they know!

Later, he told me (and I don’t know if this is true because he lies a lot) that when he was a kid his mom was a “bitch.” He said she was controlling and demanded perfection and nothing was ever good enough for her. He said she gave hi everything he ever wanted but was never there for him emotionally. Overindulgence and emotional neglect is the recipe for narcissism by the way. By his description, she sounds like a narcissist or at least someone with traits, and the way she raised him made him one. It could be but there is also a genetic component. He could have been just born this way and was lying about his childhood. Either way, though, they know! If he was born this way and is a psychopath, there would have been a childhood conduct disorder that they saw early on. If he was made and is a sociopath, surely they recognize how their parenting failed him.

From my interactions with his mother, she DEFINITELY does not have empathy and lies. It is probable she is a narc too. And they both were his flying monkeys to enable him to abuse me. This is not protecting a son! This is making him worse and a woman letting another woman be abused and the further victimizing her legally which is disgusting and in my opinion should not be enabled or diminished by saying they were just protecting their son.

Narcissism has a family dynamic. It is probably they know what he is, she made him, and she has traits too, and yes maybe they thought they were protecting him, but that is not protection nor the right thing to do. These people have blood on their hands. The blood of an innocent girl whose life was destroyed by them. They should know better and what they did was wrong.

I am terrified to reach out to them because i think they would hurt me again in some way. I also think they wont talk to me because they think I want to get revenge and am looking for evidence to use against them, but that is not me at all! I just want to have a voice!!! I just want to be able to say the truth of what happened like all those gymnasts were able to do with their abuser. I just need answers! I want respect! It is highly destructive to my wellbeing to be treated with such disrespect and have my voice taken away and not have any answers. Its like I am being told I deserved the abuse. It makes me feel worthless and like I should just die.

I am not projecting my parental issues on them. I am simply wishing for what I need to heal. Does that make sense?

• This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by MKnox.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by MKnox.

I want to believe in the good in people so badly. I wanted to believe he could get better, could do the right thing, that his parents could do the right thing. It is hard to accept that some people – even whole families – are just utterly rotten to the core. 🙁

I really just need answers to the part at the end:

I cannot understand why his parents would not only be so cold towards me  and not show any empathy but also enable him and lie for him. I cannot understand why they don’t apologize for their son. Why will they intervene to hurt a victim but they won’t to get their psychopath son help or make him take responsibility for his actions? I wish there was a way to get through to them that they helped to destroy an innocent girl’s life. I wish they would read this. I wish they would know I don’t want revenge. I wish they knew I am just an innocent victim and I only want to be treated with respect. I want apologies and answers. Will that never happen? Will they never reach out to me and apologize or anything? I am in so much pain and they don’t even care? How could they just coldly destroy someone’s life?
Is there nothing I can do? I know better than to try and approach my abuser. I won’t approach him call him text him or go to his house. It is too dangerous. I know he will probably never give me closure, but what can i do? I can’t try to find answers? I can’t clear my good name? All I can do is walk away from this without ever getting any kind of apology from him or his parents and just move on with my life with this huge wound? There is no avenue I can take that leads to any kind of respect from him or his family? Nothing I can do? There is no making amends, no empathy, no closure?

I don’t understand how people would treat someone this way. I tend to be idealistic and perhaps naive. I guess I just need someone to tell me they won’t ever do the right thing and all I can do is move on and try to heal. It just all makes me feel so helpless. Is there truly nothing now except to move on and work to heal with none of the respect and apologies and understanding I deserve?

How do i fully heal from this without any answers or closure or respect and after my good name has been dragged through the mud and my life has been nearly destroyed? I feel lost and helpless and just do not know how i can fully heal. Any help and advice is appreciated.