Hi Anita,

Thank you for your kindness, time and, insight over the last few days. I have found this helpful and comforting. I will continue to explore some of the ideas you have raised with me (particularly the mindfulness meditations) outside of the forum.

Wishing you health, peace and happiness

M

Apologies for not being clear and for disappearing (time zones!)

So the situation would be something like this:

A 7/8 year old be would be throwing a tantrum because I hadn’t got my way or been told off. I would get upset and say “you don’t love me, I’m going to run away!”. (I think runaways were a common theme on tv back then). I don’t think I ever thought I wasn’t loved, I was just trying to guilt trip my mother and get my own way! I once packed up a little rucksack with a torch and not much else. I thought I might go to the park and sleep under a bush, but of course I didn’t go. All this to me seems standard childish tantrum stuff.

My mother’s response would be one of incredulity: “YOU’RE running away? I’LL run away”. With the sentiment being she had more reason to run away, what with putting up with me. I don’t remember feeling the panic after this, just concern that she would do this. In addition to knowing she had “running away money” it didn’t seem a bad assumption.

By the time I was a teenager I think I was confident that running away wasn’t really something a mum did. Maybe I then invented other ways she might disappear/abandon me.

Yes I agree. It feels like she is the only one, even though I know from experience that this is not true!

Anita,

Thank you so much for your time in responding, and also to make me aware of the etiquette in forum posts – I hadn’t thought that through.

Your words have been very helpful to me, and have prompted more questions in my analytical brain.

1.The Lion. It may or may not be this. When I was 1 year old I was hospitalised with a strain of meningitis. I believe I was in the hospital for about a week. With this being the mid seventies, there weren’t the parent/child facilities there are now, and visiting hours were strict. My mother has mentioned this on a few occasions, and I think she perhaps feels some guilt or sadness still about this. Also it must have been a very traumatic time for her.

Are there particular age ranges when a child is developing that make them more susceptible to forming negative associations, and carrying these through to adulthood?

2.I imagine that pretty much every child will have had some sort of experience of feeling alone and afraid. Parents are human after all. So I wonder why for some people this would cause later issues and not for others?

3.Why would this feeling transfer to a romantic relationship, and, to my embarrassment, even to a previous relationship that only had a handful of dates? I don’t associate these people with a parent figure.

4.Can the trigger be prevented from going off? (Without having to resort to no romantic connections, which is an option!)

5.Emotional regulation skills. Do you have any advice on developing these? And can that be done in the absence of the stimulus, or only when triggered and hysterical?

Thank you also for your comments on my partner’s emotional motivations. It is good to be reminded that she too is fallible, and we are all in this together.

Wishing you a happy and healthy day,

Moomin