This is like reading my own diary. I was with a 4 years younger man for three and a half years. I had recently come out of a five year relationship before I met HIM. He was only 21, but so incredibly mature and good for me at the time. I remember I could clearly see the apple of his eyes grow every time he looked at me, and I could feel the same thing happening in me. It was not just physical. The connection between us, the closeness we established and the emotions that were set in motion when we were near were like a cosmic dance in the stillness of the Universe. Everything around stood still. Even when we had not started a conversation, and he could be on the other part of the room, it was like things moved around us like a magnetic field, and we would even involuntarily, even if we tried to resist end up close to each other. we could not be but near. I remember I told him that I loved him, naturally, out of the blue, that I loved him after only a few nights together. The same morning, he did not answer, but his friend told my best friend that they had never seen him as happy as that day. Our madness continued for a long time, we moved together after only a few months. Everything in our lives was chaos. Since I was elder and pretty responsible by nature, I always managed to fix our outside problems with the world, and for me his love was enough to carry the whole world. We partied a lot a the time, he eventually started to exaggerate. I eventually got exhausted, by everything, and I did not blame him, because it was my own fault trying to carry more on my shoulders that I could. I felt depressed, and losing two of my best friends to death (one in an accident and the other by disease) during the same year was not making it any better. But I started feeling that the road he way taking was bad, and I wanted him to get a grip. The more I started trying to control him, which was my biggest mistake, the bigger the gap between us grew. He suddenly wanted to start making music, dj, and go all in this new environment he had entered. I was pretty freaked out, also because I wanted our relationship to develop, I was dreaming about having a family in the long term future and I guess I acted out really stupid. I also started collecting his mistakes that hurt me and it became harder and harder to forgive and let go. More than half a year ago I ended the relationship, telling him I wanted him to get his own place, I could not see him like this anymore. I did not feel I could trust him no longer, because the party part had grown bigger than us. I wished a brighter future for myself and the way he was living right now was not getting us anywhere. It was Christmas and he went to his parents, I stayed in our hometown and went out with friends. I met a guy who bought me drinks, and was like an elder version of my own boyfriend and I turned him down because it freaked me out. When my he came home after vacation I told him that I had gotten offers, i don´t know why, maybe I was trying to get my own self-esteem up, and he was even more heart broken. He had a new apartment waiting for an answer at the phone, but he looked at me as to see if I really meant him to move, and even as firm as I was I could not do it. He said no, hanged up, and told me he was gonna fix his problems. I believed him. I tried for months after to help, but even then his problems accellerated, I guess I must have stressed him unconsciously and in the end, almost three months ago he broke up with me, telling me he could not give me what I want. He treated me like shit. And I had never been as heartbroken as I was at this point. We lived together for two more weeks before I moved out, and we acted as if we were together. Then I left. We stopped communicating. Everything started going through friends. It was horrible. I felt like someone had cut out a vital organ in me. Then I started having fun, trying to heal my heart, getting attention from other guys, always being honest about my broken heart, so I could keep a certain distance. In the meanwhile he asked a lot about me, following me through friends and started having contact with me again, but I tried to avoid him. Till I could not do it any more and started contacting him, and he ignored me. We had almost a month without any contact till we met on travel at a festival and he wanted to talk. He asked me how I was doing, he was worried about me. I said what do you think, I am hurten but Im doing my best to survive and he told me he was miserable but this was the way it had to be. He did this for me. We spent three days together from that part on and i tried to set boundries and not letting this take all my attention. Went to be with my friend again, I still had a week off but was headed home and he asked me to stay for another week, as he would fix accomodation where his friends were at. I said yes, and we had the time of our lives. We have never communicated better before. I saw him already so much grown. Then it was back home again, to reality and real life. We have spoken almost every day. We have met two times. And i feel miserable again, because we love each other but we can´t make this work out in any way. He still does so many small things that hurt me. Like being emotionally distant, so I become clingy and I don´t want that. It´s like a game, every time. You all say that the best thing is to be apart for a while, to grow separately, but why can´t we leave each other be for just one day? We are so afraid of getting back together as we could fall in the same negative patterns. But I don´t really know how to be alone. So every time I am alone and have a chance to develop, and grow I waste my time going back and forth in my head on whether I should move on, just try to focus on me , accept this “friendship”, when all i want is things to go back to how they were before it got bad. And I always fantasies about having a partner and being part of a team. I can´t seem to enjoy focusing on me, as I miss him so much. And please. don´t misunderstand, i don´t think I lack self- esteem either, I know that I am a resourceful person and I can do good. But I can´t see myself without being reflected in another person.

• This reply was modified 10 years, 4 months ago by Neelo.