@Anita: Thanks for your comment.
I have been raised in a very multi cultural area of the UK and I have many friends in asian families. I know how asian mothers can be very protective and controlling of their male children. I have asked him if his mother is the boss of him and he said no. He said he could leave home tomorrow if he wanted, he doesn’t support them financially and he has no ties.
I do believe his upbringing has played a huge part into shaping him into the anxious person he is today. I think after taking on his fathers role for what reason I have no clue because his father was well and able minded back then – I think he feels like the man of the house and holds responsibilities to make sure his sisters are looked after. He’s paid for their school, uni, cars everything. He has done the job his father should have done, and his mother let that happen but we all see our mothers as angels who can do no wrong. It took the death of my father to see for real who my mother was and hear all of the truths about their past. Maybe he can’t see no wrong.

@Rosemaureen1: Thanks for your comment.
I think your comment stood out the most for me. For years we have been trying to figure this out. We just can’t see what can be done to make things better. I’ve been so very patient with him, we’ve both made changes to try and make this work but still we come back to the same argument, time. I don’t think anything more can be done from both sides. I know you said if I truly love him I’d accept him, and I’d love to do whatever I can to make this work, but it will make me unhappy to accept that. I need more than just 2 days a week with my spouse, I’m tired of sleeping alone during the week and if I don’t see him on a Saturday because he has family plans, that’s another whole week I can’t cuddle him at night. It kills me.
I think just as much as I can’t ask him to spend more time with me (asking him to be who he isn’t) I can’t ask myself to accept that.
As for mixing with his family more, he doesn’t give me the opportunity to do so. I’m very shy and introverted so asked if I could meet them 1 by 1, just to lighten the load. He’s very keen to dodge the family mixing thing. He did want me to go along to the cinema with them all once, but I told him the cinema isn’t really a great place to meet people. He said I copped out but I felt cinema wasn’t appropriate.All of my family know about him but have only met him through our work. He refused to be introduced to my mother because he wanted to wait till I’d met his parents first but that has never happened. I’ve spoke to his mother once when I phoned his house to ask to talk to him. She said he was busy and asked my name. I asked her to get him to ring me but she never passed on the message, she never even mentioned I called.

@Nina, thanks for your comment.
My partner is from an asian background and I’ve always had an inkling that his mother is in control. Before we got together she had a few meetings arranged for marriage interests. He wasn’t interested but said he just wanted to be over and done with it all (I think he was under pressure with everything, leaving his faith, marriage, etc) all of the women he accepted, his mother turned down so it’s as if she had the final say. One person she turned down because her skin was too dark, another because (and this is true) she didn’t like the way her mother walked. I feel his mother guilt trips him into staying because she knows when he leaves she won’t have the support he can offer.

One of his sisters is married, shes rather traditional (and the one with the baby) another sister is due to marry this year. The other two girls are at home focusing on their careers.

I do want us to have our own family unit and to be independent. Living with his parents is not something I would be happy with. I like my own space and privacy. I have told him that I appreciate he’ll want to take out time to see family now and then for special occasions or just general visits but I said I don’t want it to be a regular every week thing. Once a month would be fine for me and I’d compromise and come along majority of the time but not always as I like my own time and space.

Converting to Islam wouldn’t be needed. He did ask me very early on in the relationship and I said no. I don’t believe I should have to change who I am to satisfy other people for the sake of reputation. I am my own person and the person he fell in love with wasn’t a fake Muslim.

He told his mother about me a few months back but she didn’t say much. She didn’t show disapproval and she actually made him his favourite curry which he found odd. (He usually cooks for himself) His sisters know about me but I think because he has kept us all seperate for so long they don’t really have any sort of relationship with me. I’m not close to any of his family. His friends all know about me but we have never been officially introduced.

When we worked together a lady that is married to a friend of his (and lives on the same street as him) came in to see us. While we were doing our work she was saying ‘You need to get married! I’m having words with your mother haha! Why aren’t you married yet? You can’t waste time!” – it was all cheery and playful on her part but not once did he say to her this lady here is my partner. He never mentioned me at all and it made me feel so small and hurt my feelings a lot. I felt like the dirty little secret.

I think to be honest ladies that we both have different needs when it comes to time. He’s worried when all his family leave and are gone that he’ll be alone, but can I wait long enough to be there for him? I don’t think I can. Children is something I’m on the fence with at the moment as I want to be settled before trying but I’m not getting younger and my biological clock won’t tick forever. Child wise we’ve had dreams, thought of names. We definitely wouldn’t raise her as a Muslim, that’s a discussion we’ve had. No religion. That would be something we would let her decide herself when she’s older (and here I am already assuming the gender)

He is coming tonight after work for a talk. I’m going to put all of this to him but I don’t think we can make this work in a way that makes us both completely happy. I’ll see what happens after the talk tonight.

Thank You all x