Hi Anita,

I agree.  I am trying to be less reactive.  It was just a text message and it does not even mean I have to take the job if things progress to an eventual offer (which is not guaranteed to happen anyway!).  I am trying to not let it derail my momentum I started building up the past few days in managing my mental health, as well as looking for employment opportunities I am interested in.

I read the following recent TinyBuddha post shortly after my first post today: Afraid to Say No Because You Might Miss Out on a Big Opportunity? – Tiny Buddha.  I am trying to realize I can say no to a job offer (whenever I eventually get on for whatever opportunity) and that it is not the one and only opportunity that will ever come across my path.  I am trying…

As always, thank you for your reply.

Richard

Hi Anita,

I think that could definitely have contributed to my pessimism.

I remember when my sister’s oldest daughter was about to being kindergarten.  My sister told me she worried about her daughter being picked on at school because she was a little heavier.  I remember telling my sister that she could not prevent her daughter from being picked on at school and that most everyone gets picked on at some point.  I told her what she could do is make sure her daughter comes home to a loving and supporting home.  And…if any of her daughter’s sisters picked on her to put a stop to it as soon as possible.  My advice was rooted in what I would have liked when I was growing up.

Thank you again for your replies.

Richard

Hi Anita,

I agree with the 3 factors you identified. I am definitely feeling pessimistic, especially about my job search. I definitely feel regret and find myself wondering what my life might have been like had I never pursued my doctorate. And…I am definitely feeling overwhelmed. I find it crazy to think how obsessed and overwhelmed I felt about moving for a job that I was not even offered!

I think the factor that is distressing me the most is the pessimism factor. I have regret, but at the same time I realize I do not have a time machine so I cannot change the past. I feel overwhelmed at times, but I can recall many times where I felt in control. However, pessimism seems to be the most constant factor. At times I fall asleep only to quickly awaken to a racing heart and fear that I will not find and secure a good fulltime job. I have read quite a few articles about job searches and depression/anxiety and often they conclude by saying one’s job search will eventually come to an end and you will find employment. However, I find myself thinking I will be the exception. Or that the employment I end up in will be in something I have absolutely no interest in. Occasionally I am able to shake the feeling, but then it returns, sometimes with a vengeance. Today has been one of those days. I have struggled to get myself up off my couch. Replying to these posts is about the first productive thing I have done all day. I told my partner I am exhausted with my job search. I look for opportunities basically every single day and spend time trying to figure out what I want to do next.

My guess is there are other factors fueling my anxiety and depression…I am going to give it some more thought and will post more if/when things come to mind.

Thank you for your reply.

Richard

UPDATE: I had a brief reprieve of my depression and anxiety last week. It started with a breakdown. Last week Monday (July 19) I broke down crying while on the phone with my dad. Prior to my dad calling me I had just received an invite for a job interview. Not sure why, but that email, along with my overall mental and emotional state these past several weeks, triggered a flood of emotions. You would think I would be happy about getting an interview, but instead I found myself in a downward spiral dwelling on the uncertainty of my future and my employment. I called my dad and broke down crying on the phone. I told him I do not want to feel this way anymore. He did his best to be there for me. I eventually told him I had to go because I had to calm myself down. I had to calm down because I was heading to a friend’s house in preparation for house and pet sitting for them. I felt down that evening and Tuesday (July 20) morning. I had my interview in the afternoon and I felt like it went ok. I do not feel as though I have performed poorly in any of my interviews so far. That is not to say I feel like I hit homeruns by any means, but I felt like they all went fairly well. That is a plus considering how I feel as of late. However, I find myself questioning what I want to do for a career before, during, and after each interview and it really stresses me out. After the interview I went to my friend’s house to begin pet and house sitting. I was at their place from Tuesday until this past Sunday evening. It turned out to be a great distraction. I know caring for pets can have great therapeutic value and it did for me. The owners normally crate their dog in the evenings, but I let her sleep next to me. Yesterday was the first day I was no longer pet and house sitting and I immediately noticed an increase in my anxiety. It was palpable.

Since my last update I have had 3 interviews with 3 different employers. One today, which I am no longer interested in the position…and to be honest…I am not even sure why I applied for it in the first place. I think I applied because I did not have any applications out there that were still open. The interview last week Tuesday was for a job I was initially excited for, but found myself losing interest in. The other interview took place on Thursday, July 15th and consisted of 3 separate interview sections, each about 45 minutes long. I felt like the first two sections went ok. I felt like I struck a level of rapport with the interviewers and answered their questions effectively. The third part was with the person to whom the position will report to. I had a number of points about the position, as well as my own background, I wanted to clarify, so I used the opportunity to ask quite a few questions. I wanted to make sure I had a clearer idea as to what the position would entail. It is a new position with a lot of ambiguity. I am a bit worried my questions may have made me come across as unsure about myself and my abilities. But…I felt it important to get clarification about certain aspects of the role so that both sides could make a better decision. I also clarified my background. Some interviewers talked about statistics and I wanted to make sure the person who the role reports to knows statistics is not in my background. Nor is it something I really want in a role beyond descriptive statistics. While again I felt it important to clarify my experience, I have been worrying it made me appear unsure about my abilities. I was not in an ideal mental state leading up to or during the interviews, but overall I felt like I did alright all things considered. I did not leave any of the interviews any more excited about the opportunities than what I went into them with. That is rather disheartening. I want to have an interview that when it ends I leave thinking, “I HOPE I GET THIS JOB!” in excitement and not desperation.

One more update…the weekend (July 17-18) after my 3 part interview I was obsessing over how I was going to manage moving if I got the job. I literally was online looking at apartments, pricing movers, and considering various other options. I became super stressed. Stressed to the point where I was searching moving stuff on my phone because I could not sleep. It is crazy. I was obsessing and stressing about a move I may very well not have to make because I might not even get the job! Yet it was all I could seem to be able to think about.

As always, thank you Tiny Buddha community for listening.

Richard

PS. As of writing this post, I have yet to hear of any decisions regarding the positions I interviewed for. Now I am trying to focus on finding additional opportunities to apply for and trying to stay positive.

UPDATE: Yesterday was a really rough day.  Not sure why yesterday was especially bad, but it was.  Part of me felt like I was losing it.  My heart was racing, I had hot and cold sweats, and could not seem to stop my negative thinking.  My girlfriend was incredibly supportive.  She called me in my morning and could tell I was struggling.  I was able to somewhat calm down.  Around 2 pm my time (3 am her time) she called me again and I immediately began crying.  She did her best to comfort me.  She told me to take a shower and call her after.  I did and when we started talking again I broke down crying yet again.  I had not ate all day so she asked me to eat.  After I did I told her she should get to sleep.  We talked again around 7 pm my time.  We had a virtual date scheduled.  We watched a recorded church service together and I cried profusely for the first 15-20 minutes.  I actually felt better after that emotional release.  We watched the rest of the service and then talked for about an hour after.  She congratulated me on making it through the day.  She knew how rough the day was for me.

My dad called me in the evening.  He is another big supporter, but he at times says things that make me feel worse.  Last night he said he knows I am going through a difficult time.  Then he said he knows I am a lot stronger.  I know he means well, but that statement made me feel like as if I am not strong right now.  Somewhere on TinyBuddha, I do not remember where, I read a quote about how people with mental illness are incredibly strong.  The quote made the point that people with mental illness have to be strong just to do things that “normal” people take for granted.  I will not deny that over the past couple weeks I have felt incredibly weak at times.  I am trying to remind myself that what I am dealing with is real and that it takes strength just to deal with it day in and day out.

Today I got together with a friend of mine.  She is going through a very difficult job search as well.  We met at a coffee shop.  At the beginning of our conversation I felt panicky.  My heart was racing and I did not feel comfortable.    I immediately told her about yesterday and how much I struggled.  We ended up talking for about 3 hours, sharing our struggles and things we are trying to make our own situations better.  I thanked her for the conversation and told her it was the first time I felt “normal” in a while.

The weird thing is when I got home I began to feel a bit panicky again.  I meditated a couple of sessions before getting together with my friend and did another session when I got home.  The meditation seems to provide a temporary reprieve from my depression and anxiety.  I have been listening to loving kindness meditations.  I might try to meditate again before getting to sleep to see if that helps with my sleep problems.

That is it for this update…Thank you everyone again for listening.  It is helpful just to put what I going through out into the world.  This site and you all are an invaluable resource.

Richard

Peggy,

Thank you for your kind and supportive words.  And congratulations on your poetry reading!  I am glad you received some applause.

I am trying not to lose heart.  I slept better last night (with the help of prescription sleep aid), but I had a bit of a rough morning.  My girlfriend is incredible and super supportive, but I know my mental illness is taking a toll on her as well.  I could not have dreamed up a more supportive person then her.  My condition had us both crying this morning.

I applied for two more jobs this afternoon.  One that I am excited about and another not so much.  I found another opportunity last night that I plan on applying for by the end of the weekend.

Regarding my job search, I think I am struggling with confidence.  Grad school really messed with me self-esteem wise.  It is weird because many times and situations I feel like I have unstoppable confidence, but then other times I feel like a frightened kid incapable of anything.  One of the reasons I was a grad student for so long was because I did what I wanted to do for my dissertation and did not let my advisor push me around.  I went head to head with him in dissertation defense and proposal meetings and stood my ground.  I do not know if it is because I have been out of the “fulltime” work world for so long or if it is because I do not know precisely that I want to do next that I feel so fragile right now.  I am trying to change my mindset.

Again Peggy, thank you for your kind words and support.

Richard

UPDATE:  Today has been particularly rough.  I had difficulty sleeping last night and today I was scheduled to work all day in an on-call/temp gig I have.  The gig was a virtual event where I met with students via Zoom.  My heart was racing most of the day and I almost began crying a number of times in front of the people I was conversing with via Zoom.  I feel terrified about not knowing what I am going to do for a full-time job.  I feel like I have wasted the past 9 years of my life getting a degree only to find myself lost.  I would not trade meeting and falling in love with my partner for anything, but it is still very hard not to be filled with regret over pursuing my doctorate and the position of severe uncertainty I find myself in.  I feel like just crawling in bed and curling up into a ball.

Hi Peggy,

Thank you for your additional post and suggestions.  I will have to check and see if there is Qi Gong class I can take.  I was listening to a brief talk on box breathing a day or two ago and gave it a try.  I listened to a pretty good guided meditation a day or two ago that really focused on the breath.  It seemed to provide me some momentarily relief.

I agree, a new job presents the potential to “make it my own”.  My last fulltime job was actually a new position.  I tried to make it my own with limited success.  But…that does not mean a new situation will not be different.

I am trying to really hard to get out of the mindset that my next job has to be my forever job.  It might just be a stepping stone to something else.  Just because I take a job I do not have to stay in it forever if I do not like it or if a more fulfilling experience presents itself.  But…for some reason right now I seem to only be able to envision myself being in my next job forever.  It is crazy.  I tell my friends and my girlfriend that their current job, or their next job, or the job after that does not have to be their forever job.  But for some reason I am struggling with accepting my own advice. My girlfriend actually reminded me of my own advice this morning.

Again, thank you for your posts, supportive words, and suggestions.

Richard