I’m 30 years old, single with no dependants and all I have right now is my career. I have struggled with anxiety and depression for most of my life but didn’t come to this realisation until an incident in 2010 that forced me to go see my GP and then eventually a Psychologist. I only completed 4 sessions (out of 12) in my first round of CBT in 2010/2011 and only discontinued therapy because there was a miscommunication with an appointment time and I turned up to find that the psychologist wasn’t there. I barely like talking on the phone so I never called back to reschedule and just resolved to the fact that if they knew I needed more sessions they’d follow up with me but they didn’t. Eventually I found my way, got distracted with life and tried not to own the labels – anxiety, depression, dysthymia (chronic depression) – too much all the while still trying to understand what they meant. Another incident in 2012 had me back at the doctors seeking therapy again and I definitely qualified for it but yet again I couldn’t bring myself to call after the stand down period of 4 weeks and make the appointment and told myself I could figure it out again and I guess I managed okay until another incident at the beginning of this year.

I never felt like CBT addressed the underlying issue of why I felt the way I did or thought what I thought but it was all that was available to me without breaking the bank. Back in 2010 I was prescribed anti-depressants for being moderately depressed but never really being reliant on medication in general I didn’t think I needed them so opted to just do the therapy, however this time around I became a little desperate. I wanted to see if the anti-depressants could bridge the gap better than all the failed attempts at “effort” that I put in over the years. I’ve only been on them for almost 2 weeks now and I will start CBT (again) in a few weeks so time will tell.

I’ve never felt so alone, so ugly and so ashamed in this journey. Sometimes I wonder if I’m so addicted to the emotional pain and how “safe” it is (because it’s all I’ve known) that I don’t know what I’d do without it and other times I wonder if I just use it as a way to punish myself because deep down I don’t feel lovable or good enough. The advice I keep getting is to reach out to people but I just can’t seem to do that and when I do, I begin to expect more from someone than they’re willing to give then I end up hurting them with the hurt I feel because I feel so out of control with how I feel and how others treat me etc. then I end up back in that cycle that no one really cares about me or what I’m going through.

Every situation and every relationship in my life is viewed against this backdrop of mental illness – I hate it but the more I fight it the more it zaps my energy. So I can only imagine how difficult it has been for you (Ayame) to have been struggling with it for the last 10 years. My biggest fear is that I won’t or can’t have healthy relationships and I find it so unfair knowing the amount of effort I have to put in to avoid hurting other people with the hurt I already feel. Life gets so exhausting. When I decide to stop trying to fight it and try and embrace it I worry that I’m just leading myself deeper into bad habits. I’m always told that I’m a beautiful person but as soon as people experience my moods they tend to just say nothing and avoid me and I find that hard to deal with so I end up hurting them with my words and my assumptions about why they treat me the way I do, or why they abandon me (or so I feel).

I really don’t feel like there’s an end to it. I’ve been given so many techniques for “managing” my symptoms but I don’t feel like managing the symptoms deals with the real issue or the root cause and something about my situation and the way I view life makes me believe that if you can understand “why” then maybe that’s where real compassion comes from? or so I like to think. I want a way out but I also want to be understood, especially by the people in my life but that’s also alot to expect of them too, I don’t want to force myself or my situation on to others if they’re not really interested.

I’m totally lost and confused with what to do 🙁