Dear KT,

it is very kind of you to post such a long, informative reply. I actually am familiar with PANDAS as I work in Neurology. As much as I can tell there was no sudden onset of my symptoms. I remember being anxious as early as my memories start -maybe at 3 yo – this ever pending doom. I thought it was normal.

Thank you so much for your kind encouraging words. I will look into your suggestions. I hope you are and stay well.

Dear Anita,

I am amazed at the amount of thought, compassion and effort you put in your response. Thank you.

I must agree with most points and conclusions you made. I do think that the time in kindergarten was extremely traumatic for me. My mother told me that the teachers there would put my jacket and shoes on and would let me stand there alone awaiting my ever late mother to pick me up as they themselves were getting ready to go home. I find it interesting though that even with this knowledge my mother kept on being late.

Most of the interactions I had or still have with my mother end up in some sort of conflict. She sees bad intention everywhere and feels attacked, disappointed or attacks herself for no reason. As a child I often felt I needed to be „the bigger person“ in interactions with my mother in order to prevent or end conflict. So I would say sorry even if she was the one who hurt my feelings.

My niece is 2 years old and every time she (basically still a baby!) chooses to show affection to someone else or new instead of my mother when she is present she is automatically hurt and makes my sister feel guilty for her daughter does not appreciate everything her grandma (my mother) has done for her and is so disloyal! This is what I mean with unripe – huge ego problems. I do honestly see the connection between my anxiety and my childhood. I do believe I had some genetic predisposition and suffered many triggering events leading to my extreme guilt and learned OCD tendencies.

I do have an extreme fear of making mistakes and especially causing someone harm. I do also believe I have this black and white form of thinking when it comes to myself and I hold myself to some higher standard than everyone else. I have this subconscious belief I need to have this perfectly clear conscience to be allowed to be happy. That is probably why my OCD latches on these blurry memories where I may have caused some enormous harm to someone – and until it is figured out I must hold my breath.

I do love my mother and have forgiven her many years ago for I think she knows no better and is probably fighting her own demons.
The previous two days I could feel the latest obsession slowly fade away. I have never ever experienced my anxiety at this intensity before though and I truly believed that I was doomed. Through some distraction through work and common OCD techniques I found online I could slowly distance myself from this obsessive thinking about the the suicide of this boy and what (important) role I might have played in his decision and started to see a bit clearer. I am not out of the woods yet and what I fear is the next „episode“. But I will continue to just hang in there – and wait for this wave to further fade.
Your comment that feeling guilty does not equal guilt hit me deeply.
If there was one thing you could tell me what you learned from your OCD journey what would it be?

Thank you loads.