You’re right and I’m also sorry but that’s just me. I did have a bad time that time but I may have a good experience if I was to take a step and try therapy again, at the moment though I can’t really afford it and I’ll be going to visit New Orleans for a little bit to take my mind off of things before its time for me to move for school so that’ll have to substitute for my therapy. The reality is that no matter how much I love her or how much I want her in my life, she’s not and that’s a choice that she made, I shouldn’t have to force anyone that loves me to be with me. To be quite honest, At times I’ve felt stupid for still wanting a relationship with someone who would hurt me by betraying my trust and then leave me alone because I think of how much I blamed myself and how little I thought of myself. I’ve learned to forgive myself kinda like how I forgave her but I want to live my life to the fullest and the only way for me to do that is to work through it.

I know that I probably sound dumb but I still have hope and that gives me some sort of relief because I do still want that us one day, And if its meant to be it’ll be, maybe in a couple of months we’ll speak and patch things up but until then I think its best that I do whats best for me and keep on trying to find out what I want to do with me for the rest of the time I have breathing.

If psychotherapy is talking to a doctor about what was going in my life, Yes, I went for about 8 months when I was 20 but I don’t believe it helped me, I only saw the doctor as someone I would complain to for about a hour every 2 weeks and every time I moved my lips she would take quick glances at the clock. I don’t think I ever received advice from that experience that has helped me because anything that I used to helped me from that time was information and stuff I had to figure out on my own. It’s not possible at the moment for me to speak to someone else and I don’t know if it would really help me to do so.

It’s not that I tried to avoid conflict with her but when it came we just got over it, We did have our little fights but they were just so little and even now I see her kissing that guy as something little, as something that can be gotten over. I feel that I’m more hurt by her actions, the pushing me out of her life, not speaking, not texting me but wanting to keep me as a friend so to speak so you leave me as a friend on our little game app thing. The saddest part is I’ve never been the person that’s being chosen or being looked at like I’m theirs and that really is a punch to the gut for her to do it and then walk away from me like I was nothing. I don’t understand how she can say she loves me, that I don’t deserve what she did but then leave me like it would make the situation or me any better and I don’t know how to deal with anything that’s going on in my life right now without referring to her in my mind. I think we may have gotten into 4 or 5 arguments or conflicts during our relationship and each time we were just sad that we hurt each other, We would take a few hours to ourselves and by the end of the night or the next day we would be back with each other laughing at what happened.

When we first got together and started talking about becoming boyfriend/girlfriend before the “I love yous” We talked about how we didn’t want to become our parents, How we didn’t want to hate each other after a few years. Her dad was abusive and her mom, coincidentally a week before our break up came out to her and said that she didn’t love her stepdad and that she was still in love with her ex husband. I don’t know if this and the fact that she kissed someone that she used to have feelings for is clouding her emotions and the way shes thinking but I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I don’t think it’s fair for me to be treated like this, the way shes treated me and the treatment that I’m doing to myself, I just feel so powerless to leave my relationship with someone that I really do love and care for to faith or chance or whatever it is that can put us together again. I just keep thinking of closure you know, I didn’t indulge in the illegal use of a plant to put myself to sleep for the first time in a long time recently and that’s what I dreamed of. The night before the break up, I did indulge, and I remember looking up at the moon and just staring and all of a sudden I saw two moons, I didn’t give it any thought and now I look up at the sky and I don’t even see a moon anymore. Now all I can think about is how can I let myself go to Florida and not see her, Even if we don’t get back together on some level, How can I allow myself to move to where someone I love is and not even see them?

Thank you, I think I get what you’re saying but I’ve tried so many times to let go of the hope that we’ll ever get back together and it just keeps finding its way back in. I planned on moving near her basically for us and for school and I don’t really think I want to go because I will try to see her and I’m scared it won’t end the way I’d like it to. I want to get over or through this but for some reason, I don’t want to give up on her like as a friend but I can’t have a friend that doesn’t want to be there for me. I still feel like something is missing, someone stole something from me like I’ve been sad for so many years and one person comes in and gives me this hope and now its gone. I don’t really know how to let the feelings go either, I just know that every now and then I don’t feel like being anymore, like its really hard to get through any of this and then even when I try to let go the thoughts, the feelings, they just all keep coming back. I can accept the reality of it but It just doesn’t really seem like theres a point to me trying to have a relationship with anyone if every time I’m getting left behind or my heart broken, and it doesn’t seem fair that I never have an answer.

I keep hearing how the universe does these things for a reason and how it has my best interest at heart but I don’t really understand why, why me? Honestly I feel like this benevolent big universe guy is playing with me, just throwing me around and doing whatever it wants to hurt me but I don’t see how it ever works in my benefit. I’ve felt the same for a long time now but where does it end? I look around and my friends are all in these long committed relationships with people they love and that give them love back, they all have decent lives where they work and go to school and I don’t have anything but family that can’t even be in the same room together without a fight. I don’t have anything really but me and nothing I can do or have dones has ever showed anyone that I matter or could for that matter, I don’t even think I matter to me anymore honestly.

I’m confused, Its not that I was willing to ignore what had happened, the kiss, I just wanted to move past it, I didn’t know what to do because I’ve never been put in a situation like that before but I knew I didn’t want to give up I wanted to try with her, I want to be able to look back on that conversation and see the beginning of something big for us and not the beginning of the end because it feels like that right now. When I look back on it it makes me mad because it just looks like she wanted to leave like she didn’t want to try with me, she didn’t even put up a fight she was just okay, I can’t say that I made her happy because shes gone, I can say that shes confused because thats what she told me, I can also say that its a little too convenient for you to have someone fly out to you, kiss them and then decide that you don’t know what you want anymore especially when you have someone that wants you and is trying to get to you, I can say that I was texting her when they met, that she felt awkward and I tried to tell her to relax, I can tell you that everyday I blame myself and I don’t really see any getting out of that.

I’m trying to see what the real problem in the relationship was, Was it too good? Were their not enough fights and arguments? We communicated too efficiently? I see all of this as being not like her, as something that completely blindsided me and surprised me so much that I still have trouble drawing breaths when I try not to think about her. I want to contact her, I really do but I don’t think it’ll fix anything if I ever do. Like I tried, I really did, I told her that I wanted her that I damn near needed her and she just walked out of my life and I feel like she pretended that it hurt. I feel like you’ve read into it, or maybe just the way you phrased it, as if she was the victim, as if I never tried to understand and communicate what was going on, then and anytime before. No, If she wanted to go and we had problems with our relationship that would be something I can accept and move past but I feel like I was being lied to. Like I was being used and that makes me question my own self worth, That’s what gets me because it just seems, because of how everything was left like shes seeing someone else and I was just someone that was there.