You are totally 100% correct and I wish I could go back in time because I have put myself in situations where I was victimized due to low self esteem. In therapy we talk about the everyday adult me, the mean parent me and the helpless kid me. Working on recognizing when each of them is “making an appearance” and then trying to ground myself in the adult to deal with the child and adult as needed. I feel like that make me sounds very crazy, but I hope you know what I’m talking about.

When I first posted this topic, I felt very confused and blurred in my mind, which is unusual to me, I feel like I usually have at least a tiny clue as to what is going on. I think I was just in major denial that I was used by someone I trusted. Slowly I’m accepting it and trying not to beat myself up for being a sucker.

I just want  to say I very much appreciate the time, effort, concern, wisdom and compassion you have given to me thru this conversation.

Thank you Anita. You are wise.

This exercise brought to light my habit of dissociation. And also just being confused and clueless as to what is going on in the adults world and how that is so scary. How I felt like I was a bad kid. And felt so misunderstood and unsupported. I guess it’s like what I’m used to. Feeling sad and anxious and wanting and grasping and waiting for some guy to give me approval and attention. I t is definitely a habit ingrained in my brain. I have some insight and try to shake myself out of it. I know it is a process but in the meantime I want to lessen any damage I do to myself and other people, esp my son. Maybe I should write letters or imagine scenarios where I’m comforting the little girl me. I’ve done it before but maybe more of hat will help that connection between her and me grow.

Thank you so much, Anita. I started crying when I read this comment from you. My emotions are getting the best of me. I can’t sleep and lost weight and didn’t go to work yesterday and am work now but just close the door and cry. I feel sooo sad. And angry. I feel like the man who I had the affair with, “S,” targeted me and I let him. I told him all of my most intimate secrets and fears, and I felt like he was the first man who ever SAW me and that we had a spiritual connection. And now I realize it was a fake manipulation in order to conquer me. He groomed me. And I am a trusting and loving and generous and soulful person and I opened up so much to him. I was separated from my husband and the relationship was abusive so I was extra raw and vulnerable. I told him about abuse I suffered in the past, and how I felt like a bunny and the men were predators like wolves and I didn’t feel safe. I opened up to him because I need my heart to stay open and pure and trusting and I can’t let it shut down from being hurt. He reassured me and comforted me but really he was preying on me the whole time. It makes me feel so scared and unsafe and like people are going to prey on me and I can’t keep myself safe. I think I’m reverting to a child right now. I am sobbing at the keyboard at work hoping no one hears me.

I want to make this painful experience into a learning experience, especially because I am about to move back in w/ my  husband. I don’t want to make the same mistakes that led to our unhealthy dynamic. I have been reading a lot about narcissism and co-dependents and find it very very familiar to my experiences. I know deep within there is a wound that is so deep it is probably in my DNA. I don’t know what to do with this knowledge. My parents never honored me as an individual when I was a kid and are both narcissistic and codependent.

“Perceptive children will also pick up on the emotional vulnerability of their parents. They will compliment their parent or try to be a perfect reflection of them. They hope that taking care of mom or dad will shore the parent up enough so he or she can eventually get back to taking care of them. With all of that care directed at parents, these children will likely lose touch with their own emotions and needs.”

I read this today and it explained what things were like with me, but my parents were often angry and disappointed and I think us kids were trying to assuage them at our expense. I don’t know how to explore the dynamics with my parents. I just remember the painful times in my childhood when I felt unloved? So what will that do besides make me feel anger at them? Are my memories even accurate? I understand on an intellectual level that relationships w/ my parents made me have some codependent and probably narcissistic behaviors, but how do I turn the intellectual knowledge into a felt experience of awareness, compassion, change and healing inside me?

The dynamic is like the men are strong and independent and not giving me all the love and attention I want so I just sit there with my lip out  crying and feeling anxious. I have a 3 yr old and I can’t keep acting like a desperate little kid myself anymore. I need to love and honor myself and I try so hard to learn how to do it but I still have the feeling all the time of being sad and anxious bc Ifeel unloved. Same thing w all my boyfriends and husband. Probably parents too but I kind of block that out.

I’m sorry, I never posted before, and wasn’t sure what to call the thread but it did feel like I was lost in a hurricane and overwhelmed and did not know where to go or how to get there and I can’t see anything.