I would like to add something that Alessa mentioned. (I hope I understood your point. Correct me if not. 🙂)

“I think the difficulty… is that not everyone might not be willing or able to commit to such an idea.”

The idea of the culture of respect and compassion when situation is hard.

I do understand that not everyone is able to do it. There are many factors – age (too young, or too old maybe), illnesses, personality/mental disorders, dementia, …

I have to give away a piece of me in these cases, because I am the “more fortunate”. But how can I learn to work with the feelings that I am all alone in my efforts to set things right with these people and I sometimes have to sacrifice a lot? They are not bad. It’s not even their fault that their condition doesn’t allow them to react or deal with conflicts appropriately, but others who are able to do it, are then left all alone with their feelings, unheard and overlooked… sometimes with inner unresolved conflict.

I don’t know if it makes sense.

Sometimes even buddhist practice – commitment to compassion and respect – feels very lonely when it comes to conflicts.

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I am really willing to set off to the brave places, to create a culture of respect where people can speak honestly, listen deeply, and stay engaged even when it’s hard. It’s about courage and care, not comfort at all costs. ❤️

I had just random thoughts… not in specific context, really… just some general feelings…

Everyone needs love, protection and respect… Everyone needs to be offered the feeling of security and non-fear. If we decide to set healthy boundaries during conflict, the boundaries will protect everyone. They will not isolate us from others. They will only help everyone understand our world, our needs, our difficulties and suffering… so that we could cultivate compassion, the capacity to understand suffering, and help to remove it, transform it…

Maybe it could be useful… ?

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Hello again!

I only visit forums when I’m at the PC and I try to spend a little more time offline, so I apologize if my responses take so long.

Also, I often can’t concentrate at the computer and I miss a lot. I wrote some points and my answer in peace and quiet in our garden. 😊 Let me know if I missed something.

I’m not sure if “not deserving” is the right word, Lucidity, but maybe it’s related to what Alessa wrote about. (?) Sometimes my moral values don’t meet my needs. It sounds strange, I know… An example: I am willing to be vulnerable, to offer understanding and compassion, but very often I find that the other party doesn’t offer it to me.

And perhaps this is what Anita meant – that our vulnerability, which we offer through a desire to understand or through honest sharing of our feelings, is used against us because others are unwilling (or unable) to do the same.

Let me know if I understood correctly.

I have to ask, not because I’m questioning someone’s point of view, but because I’m not at all sure I understand it.

On forums and in life, in conflict and out of conflict, we must ask… and not assume that people see the world through our suffering, difficulties and aspirations. ❤️

Lucidity, I visit mental health forum. And the reason I feel safe there is because people are very honest, open and responsible for their own suffering. I won’t say who wrote to me – male or female. And I won’t transcribe word for word what they wrote in order to maintain anonymity. So… they wrote to me: “Please, don’t talk to me right now. I’m going through a difficult time and I might hurt you. And I don’t want to, because I like you. Remember, you didn’t do anything. It is my illness, not you.”

I think it’s a nice example of when compassion and boundaries meet in a healthy way. They set their boundaries and in doing so they show compassion for themselves, but also for me by expressing concerns that they might hurt me and by saying that the problem is the illness, not me. But it is also an example of how this person, although they have a very serious mental disorder, have their problems under control (or at least they try really hard to do so) and they don’t use their own suffering as an excuse for their actions. (which many people do!)

Today, I know that people’s suffering in its different forms – pain, issues, trauma, personality and mental disorders, … – explain a lot about people’s behaviour, but it does not excuse their actions. In healthy healing, people gradually takes responsibility for their behavior, they don’t expect the world to adapt completely around their wounds / problems / trauma / illness. ❤️ But it is hard. I know. I do understand.

I think that over time tinybuddha has become too small… and maybe too much personal… and too much focused on the topic of abusive mothers… which is extremely sensitive here… and there are recurring conflicts due to misunderstandings around this topic… And that doesn’t offer a sense of safety.

What do you think about it?

BTW I get emojis on “emojipedia” and copy them.

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Peter, thank you.

When I got a puppy, she was super anxious and it made me very impatient and I was tensed a lot!

I remember I had these momemts “What am I doing? I don’t recognize myself.”

I remember that I realized that I behaved exactly like my mom. When I was a child, I had social phobia and my mom was very impatient and strict. I did exactly the same to my poor frightened puppy.

The tension was really my consciousness showing me the bad pattern my mom taught me. It opened a completely new chapter of my life.

I started to change into more open, loving person and I also reached my mom in irder to talk about it and found out a lot about her own feelings and troubles she was having when I was a child, which made us closer.

It is actually a great memory. Thank you! 😊

Alessa,

if you feel better, would you like to discuss the “unrealistic expectations and assumptions” you have mentioned before? I believe it is a typical source of misunderstanding in communication.

It could be useful to look into it together. 🙂

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