Well, I broke silence after nearly a week of no contact. (Which was huge for us) I apologized for panicking and adding more stress at a time when he really just needed his best friend to be supportive. He responded, a little irritated with me. We went back and forth a little, but I didn’t push it. When he said he was working and stopped, I stopped too.

Two days went by, and he messaged me on my birthday, gave me a little update on what he was doing that day, progress he was making in preparing for two households. I offered supportive comments, said thank you for the birthday wishes, and let it drop.

The next day, he called me on his way home. Sounding very tired, distracted. He gave me another update on work (how behind and unfocused he is) and everything he’s been doing with the divorce, told me about the things he’s found to prepare for the two houses, and let me know that they have custody hearings at the end of December. He stated, once the custody portion is complete, where he is, and who he is seeing when the kids are with their mother won’t matter anymore. I also updated him on the new things occurring in my life with me and my kids, and his response was, “wow, you guys are making more progress than I am”

I know this whole process is slow going, and frustrating for him, he had anticipated that the divorce would be well under way, and that our families would start merging this year.. I know this is a huge disappointment for him.. I tried to prepare him, tried to get him to slow his thought process, extend it a year or so… but, when he wants something, he pushes for it, goes all out to get to his goal, and I know that right now, his goal is not losing his children, and getting this divorce finished.

However silly it may be… I’m still torn, and I feel bad, because I feel like, he doesn’t ask me to “hang in here” because he trusts in us more than I do, and doesn’t feel like it’s necessary to ask. And I need to hear the words, but he’s already said them so many times in the past, maybe I am asking/expecting too much from him right now? I keep worrying there is more than just the divorce keeping him away from us, (because I’m being fatalistic?) and I miss him constantly. I know that in the past, when we are together, he has a very hard time leaving, and I think, this is why he is closing me out right now. Locking us down, so he can focus on the tasks at hand. And not be enticed to throw caution to the wind.

He’s still keeping contact, updating me when he really doesn’t have to.. this has to be a good sign, right?

Thank you for your responses… This is very hard for me, because it seems so sudden. But I know that he is being bombarded from several directions, and I think I became one of the stresses in his life that he can afford to set aside. He had alot of plans for us, and while I know that he meant them at the time, he cannot possibly worry about holding up to those plans now. We knew his divorce would be difficult, and his work load just continues to become more hectic. I think he carries alot of guilt about being with me, and being happy, while being away from his daughters. He’s stated several times, how he cannot wait to have our kids all together for “family game nights” or trips to the desert, the beach.. then he would fall quiet, and eventually retreat into his cave. But never like this.

We recently had a conversation, where I was expressing my fears of not making it through this, thinking that maybe he needed me to “disappear” for a while and he got upset with me and told me that if I needed to run, that was my choice, but he had to do what he has to do, to keep up with work, and get through the divorce without losing his kids. If I wanted to quit, fine, but he wasn’t going to.

However, I’m torn between the signs he is throwing off, and my discussions of those signs with him. To which he has responded, even as early as this last Monday, that he just needs to get through the current hurdles of the heavy workload and his divorce.

Since he stated those other internet sites were being stalked by his wife’s friends for ammo against him in the divorce, I tried to initiate contact through my glamis dunes account, which he helped me set up a couple of months ago, to interact with him. I went in earlier this week, added a few photos from our rides, sent him a message asking if we could be friends “here”, viewed his profile, and a few others, checked out some blogs, and logged off… When I logged back in last night, he’d posted a message in the general chat about having a “stalker”. I’m so hurt by that comment. Just Monday we were still “together” as far as he stated, and Thursday he’s posting about a stalker. Granted I don’t know if it’s about me, but if it is, I’d really like to smack him upside the head. Honestly, I think he needs to be angry at me right now, to be able to stay away. Maybe he doesn’t even know that he’s doing it. I don’t know. I have seen photos from other websites, that suggests he might be hanging with a new crew of people. I’m thinking he has found a new escape, and it doesn’t include me.

We used to talk constantly everyday. During the last few days, the discussions have been driven by me. He engages, but doesn’t initiate. So Wednesday I sent him an email, letting him know that I support him, and would like to continue being here for him through this process. Whether it be during or after. Then I sent him an IM to let him know that he had an email, because he doesn’t use the account very often. He only signed up so we could communicate through the chat. He responded saying he would have to remember how to get into the account. Gave him a couple pointers, then there were a few minor chats later in the afternoon.

But, for a FULL 36 Hours.. for the first time in 2 years, I have not spoken to him. I’m trying to strengthen my resolve to step back, give him some space. And let him decide whether or not I’m still the person he wants to spend the rest of his life with. I’m going to give him time, but I’m setting myself a goal in order to do that. Right now I’m going to get through the weekend without messaging him, but I plan to call him next week, to voice my feelings, and let him go. Maybe it’s a mistake, maybe it will wake him up. Either way, we have a long road of recovery ahead of us, and he has to understand that what he is doing hurts.

I want to make this work with him, I’m scared it will take years for him to figure it out. I’m hoping it will take days. To me, it’s a good relationship. It’s worth waiting for. But just in case, I will continue to take my baby steps to move on with my life. This has begun to affect my health, and I need to get back into control of my life.