Hi Anita,
From yesterday I again started feeling uneasy that I have to see my therapist and the hollow feeling came back. I was enjoying my life – talking to friends, feeling safe and fine for two days and then yesterday evening as soon as thought came on my mind of seeing him, I started panic. It feels like it has created a trauma in my life – for so many years i get anxious seeing him, after that i am miserable for 2 days then enjoy and cycle goes on.

So, yes, he did help me in certain areas but in some areas he fell short , and yes, it will be great for me to communicate directly with him and take care of my trauma , but I feel tired..I have learned enough from him, yes, may be if I keep going I will get more insight about me, but I feel like it’s enough..

May be he is good for me but right now i have to be gentle and kind towards me and take care of me..if that would mean i’ll take a break from the therapy and stay imperfect for a while, let it be..

Please let me know if I’m making any sense here?

Thanks,
-S

Yes, I can relate to that. I’m so attached and the same time I am afraid that he will reject me. I feel safe at the same time I feel unsafe.

Hence, when I come back from the session, sometimes I do Rick Hanson guided meditations – feeling safe (he starts by saying that imagine we are safe, we have enough oxygen etc), feeling cared about etc..

When I have that hollow feeling, all i want at that time is someone to hug me and say I am ok..you are good, you are not a bad person.
I feel so helpless and hopeless at that time. I have a very strong feeling at that time that people will reject me if they get to know me.

In that hollow feeling, I feel like noone will love me, i’m all alone..I feel so disconnected from the world.. I guess that’s why
sometimes I want my therapist so bad as I feel like if I have him all the time, he will protect me as he does give me some safety.

One more thing I would like to add Anita is, sometimes i sit in the whole session thinking that he hates me, he wants me out, so it did teach me tolerance for my pain – rejection feelings. However, when I ask him do you hate me, he says no. We don’t go any further.

I believe, what you are suggesting is I should explore these feelings deeper, like why I feel like this as I’m in therapy for 4 years now..

Thank you in advance-

Thank you so much for the reply Anita, I really appreciate that.

The first improvement is, I’m not on my meds anymore, I started meditation. I learned how to hold the pain now. I’m not that afraid at work, doing well, made some friends at work, improved my relationship with my parents. However, I don’t have any intimate relationship – I’m only involved with my therapist. I am so glad that you said it’s natural to create this attachment, however, whenever I bring to his attention that I have strong feelings, he doesn’t say it’s ok, he just listens. As a result, i feel even worse.

He inspired me to be a better person but going to his office, every week, my hands sweat and it’s a huge process for me – I do know that therapy can be difficult but is it this difficult? He brings up an intense desire in me to be in a loving relationship..and by meditation I realized that I need lot of self compassion – I try to love myself unconditionally but it’s difficult.

I think i’m very afraid that i will be lost without him..