Hello, I just wanted to say that I just joined this forum just to reply to your post. I also suffered from an autoimmune disorder when I was a child and through my teens (and still do now, but it’s a different problem…). It was terrible to say the least. I spent a lot of time in the hospital, had a lot of painful treatments, unfeeling doctors, the death of my roommate and the crowning event was a near-death experience. I lost my friends and nothing was ever the same. The depression I had before got worse. I lost all faith in God (what God puts kids in the pediatric oncology ward?). I became fearful that of life, death and the future. I realized later that my experiences left me with post traumatic stress disorder or PSTD in addition to depression. It’s more than something that happens to veterans and people in war zones. Sometimes things like serious illness can be a cause.

Right after the experience it was the worst. I would get panic attacks whenever I got around anything that reminded me of the hospital (sights, sounds and even smells!) And like you, I might run away or freak out. And sometimes memories would flood back randomly. But I promise it will get better. For me it was a sort of accidental healing- I was a kid/teen and had to ‘behave’ around doctors so that meant just going to get blood tests and check ups without complaining. Plus my parents had staid with me while I was sick, so I had to be strong for them. There was also a good thing that came out of my hospital stay-an extreme appreciation of life. I grew up quickly after the experience, but the feeling also led me to appreciate that feeling of life so when I got scared or bad feelings came back, I tapped into those good feelings and told myself not to be scared. I was not sick and I had the power to be brave.

Your feelings are legitimate and totally okay to have. I know from years of experience that therapy sucks sometimes (especially when you have PTSD and talking through experiences is like living through them again) but it might help to talk through it or try a different type of therapy. I ended up with hypnotherapy to deal with my depression and PTSD. (But please seek help if you feel you can’t control your flashbacks-it’s hard to tackle on your own as they are stuck in your unconscious.) I also made art. And I use the term liberally- sometimes i made beautiful collages and sketches other times it was scribbling and angry jabs, but the fact was that I was letting out emotions and talking, even if it was a conversation between myself and my paper.

And anger, lots of that (you took my childhood, my best years, my fun, my body betrayed me, etc.) I wrote. I journaled and wrote fiction. And when there was too much energy I ran until I couldn’t run any more and sometimes needed to be rescued. And sometimes I screamed. And I gave myself license to emote in my room alone. No judgement, just a lot of crying and emotional diarrhea.

I was also very successful teaching myself self-relaxation techniques like deep breathing and visualization of a safe place. To this day I am scared of hospitals, but in November I even weathered a trip to the ER (my current problem is fibromyalgia) with a bad flare, by deep breathing my way through the smells and tactile feelings and sights. The other thing I do is to acknowledge the feeling. My dialogue goes like this- “you’re in a situation that reminds you of your past and it is making you feel scared/panicked/etc. Hello feelings. You’re here and that’s okay. I see you. Now I need to move on and go on with my day.” It took awhile to get used to accepting the feelings for what they were, just irrational feelings mostly based on fear, and to realize why I was having them. I had been to hell and back, lost faith, friends and my childhood- it’s amazing these silly feelings were all that I was experiencing after all that. Remember what you have been through, what you’ve SURVIVED and take that strength with you on your path to healing.

I promise that things will get better. Acknowledge your feelings and accept what you have been through and forgive yourself for falling into a low point. It happens. I also promise that you can use your experience to learn and grow and become empowered. My story is still going- I have finally found faith in a way that works for me and my PTSD is in control. I accepted my fears, but let them go. And now I hope my story can help you.

• This reply was modified 10 years, 9 months ago by Lisa.