Hi Anita,
Sorry for the late response. I am traveling for work and have not had time to read through/respond. I hope you enjoyed your walk.

I see what you are saying. It looks like I am citing my flaws and feeling bad, but I did not always act lovingly toward him, either. Maybe at times, in his eyes, even abusive. My fear ignited his fear, and it was a chain reaction of reaching out/withholding/closing off/etc.

I have a deep sadness this weekend because he was supposed to be with me on my trip. At the airport, I was secretly wishing he would show. Not only did he not show, he has still never contacted me.

The hurt and confusion I feel creeps into most of my day. I am getting better, I suppose, and getting out and enjoying life, but it feels forced. Nobody can control anything, I understand. I understand I am beating myself up for just wanting to be loved and for choosing someone who could not give me that–I just find it hard to believe he did not want that from me, I don’t know what he was doing with me. Just using me, I guess.

I am interested in hearing your own journey with love and acceptance, if you care to share. Your insight has been very helpful and something I look forward to reading.

Anita,
I agree! I actually said to him in response (I left this out originally): You think it is MY fault that you acted that way? Threw things, told me to shut up, f*ck off? Because those were your actions.” In the moment, I stood up for myself. In the moment of doing that, I told him he could not talk to me that way and that he needed to relax–it is not ok to throw things.

He has never acted like this in the past. I probably come off as some abused girlfriend or something–but he was not like this ever before. I think I caught him at a bad time–work is hard, family life is in crisis, and now this fight. But I think 10 days of reflection–even 1 day–would be enough for someone with any insight to see and accept any responsibility for how things went down. In the past after a fight, he would always make right, even though it was never this bad.

The last thing he texted me, after I called and asked him to call me, and if I could come over to talk about it that night, was “I prefer you not come back. I need positive vibes, not negative.” That makes me feel like I am the source of negativity in his life. And it feels horrible.

Hi all,
I know I am late to this post but it is so relevant for what I am experiencing at this moment. Korra, Christy, Anita–all of your posts are so self-aware and give me hope. I hope the three of you see my message.

I, too, am needy and have abandonment issues. Having been told I have an “insecure/anxious” attachment style stemming from childhood, I am well aware of these behaviors and how they sabotage not only the relationships I am in, but also cloud my own judgment when it comes to needs. Like you, Korra, I felt weak or ashamed of my “needs” (to be contacted every day, etc.) in a relationship and tried to fix myself. But the insecurities manifested elsewhere.

For 18 months, off and on, I dated a man who had his heart broken twice. He smokes pot daily (not that I judge on people’s vices) and is very much into Mindfulness, but I feel like he uses it to his advantage. He acted in all the “right” ways that indicates a relationship (we met each others’ families, celebrated holidays together, saw each other every weekend) but he would never fully commit, saying he was not ready, or capable of giving me what I needed, was not sure if he loved me, was scared, didn’t want to say “boyfriend” because he thought he could get hurt.

We had a blow-out fight the weekend before last where I saw a side of him I never saw–he was screaming and throwing things around the apartment. I stood up for myself, saying he couldn’t talk to me that way and that he needed to relax. He left and came back and 6 a.m. When I was leaving around noon, I woke him and said we should address it. He said there is nothing to address-we are in an unhealthy place and you made me act like that last night.

I tried to reach out to him later that day–phone calls and texts–and got no reply. It is 10 days later and nothing. We are leaving on a trip tomorrow, and I know the heartache of sitting next to an empty seat on that plane will kill me (yes, I am still going).

The pain of no closure, of being dropped by a hot potato, by someone who cared about me is almost unbearable. I am trying to see my way out.

I started CBT 3 weeks ago (I was in talk therapy for many years but needed more, much like Anita, instead of just sitting around talking about feelings). I also try to meditate and read much on mindfulness and try to practice it–even though it reminds me of him a bit.

Also like you, Korra, I was in a happy place when he came into my life. Now the things I loved before I have zero interest in. I allowed this relationship to take me apart, brick by brick, but seeking happiness from another person. In that, I lost myself. And I am not sure how to return.

I turned 40 during this relationship, and I think a lot of the self-doubt and hopelessness I feel is accompanied by what I see as cultural views on an older woman–she is less valuable. I am trying to work through the self-loathing and hopelessness I feel in general, coupled with the completely harsh removal of this person from my life.