I do beleive being authentic at work comes at a huge risk  to your job satisfaction and wellbeing and if I need work to survive, is it not  justified that I am not authentic at times to protect myself from potential suffering? It is hard for me to be courageous when I am worrying about keeping a roof over my head.

Please acknowledge my efforts in being very couragous in my previous employment where I ended up feeling humiliated as a result of being ‘too honest’.

I would like to add that so far they are treating me ‘nice’ as I am using my charm to avoid being mistreated by them. I feel like a fraud, being friendly and giving them my time and interest when in all honesty I couldnt care less about them.

Dear Anita

Im not sure if i should apologise for the delay in responding to you, trying to navigate relationships is confusing for me, i feel like i dont do enough or i do too much with other people. Your advice has been really helpful and i genuinely mean that. You have been very clear and about the feeling of anger and how to respond to it. i keep your advice in my head since and its working.

I have been feeling very upbeat, energised and made some good decisions just lately although today im struggling to keep the momentum going. This pattern of mine isnt just lately, ive been like this for a long time. I feel good when i have energy, motivated to get on with living my life, i think i exhaust myself as i end up feeling quite exhausted which is not what i want. this triggers the belief there is something wrong with me as being 38 means i should have lots of energy as I compare myself to others (i know this is really unhelpful with low self esteem)when im exhausted i get really down where im confronted with loneliness and emptiness. Then it feels like my negative thoughts take hold and then its just a downward spiral, thank god i can bounce back quickly though even if its worry that motivates me to move.

My therapist finally responded to me and said she feels like the client/therapist relationship broke down for her and beleives id be better off starting over with a new therapist, not what i wanted to hear at all. i feel quite regretful for how i was irresponsible as now i dont have her to go to. i also beleive she could have gave me another chance. i gave her one after all. If my own therapist cant even handle me and a supervisor who i had years ago wanted rid of me, what chance do i stand with people.

I feel envious of my the only friend i have. She always seems to be one step ahead of me, always gets luckier than me and it makes my small efforts seem worthless. Comparing again. i really do like her as a friend and i wish i didnt feel the envy that i do.

oh im annoyed its erased my message, stupid laptop.

what i wrote was when i said i didnt listen to her, its during the times when things are heated between us, emotions are high, my anxiety has taken over, i feel angry, thats when i dont listen properly. As a general rule i listen to her definetly, on occasion i go into rescue mode, i fill in the blanks for her, i think i do this because over the time ive brought her up, she has a short concentration span and i want to be heard. most of the time i do listen to her honestly.

she is with me now, unexpected as i text her when we were already in amidst of a conversation via text about how she was feeling etc when i interrupted when was being spoken about to say to her the cat was going into labour. she asked to come and i said of course as long as she behaves, is calm and listens when i need her to. for the most part she has and i have been calm and letting her take lead alot of the time with the cat giving birth to five adorable kittens. it has gone well thank god and im looking at them now cradling each other. its  really sweet. i wonder how long the sweetness will last though before i start feeling the stress with two cats and five kittens under my feet.

My daughter said most recently, that i have been  more like a friend to her rather than a mum, that the problem is i have been too nice and caring and i dont listen to her. It feels like she does not know what she is meaning when she has said something, just for the intention being to have impact, significance, autonomy as we are talking, trying to be heard as i keep going on and on! i wish i would just shut up when were talking together and listen more. i think whats happening is the way my mum speaks to me and i am projecting this onto her, i wish i could rid myself of this.

My therapist said before that who i think i am, the identify i have of myself is made up by the introjections of my parents which has not left any room for me to organically find for myself. I want to be my own person even if people dont like this, screw them, i cant help it.

i have deleted my facebook account, my tv license so i can focus on what matters. i have blocked my sister and my mum disapproved of this of course as my sister was being very kind (what nonsense) as she has been trying to phone/text me about the plans we had made for the kids over the summer period. i know i have to stay away from any person including family that criticise, put me down and dont support me if i want to be a better person. now its just doing it haha

when i said im worrried ill end up like my mother, thankfully i  do alot more for her which my mum didnt do for me, i am  happy to see her, i ask about her day and show interest in her life, im open about all subjects, im attentive, affectionate, respectful of her privacy and her life, i give her choices, involve her in decisions, i say to her alot that i love her and show it. The big problem is i cant seem to keep this going, im not consistent and ill be honest i feel angry hearing that i must not ever be aggressive as i am only one person and i am pushed to the limit at times. again is it realistic to expect a single parent to never get aggressive when i am receiving the treatment i get sometimes? it makes total sense what your saying and i agree but i just dont think its realistic or maybe you think i am making excuses for my behaviour. i wish i didnt lose my temper and i wish she wasnt so challenging as it would be much more peaceful and safer between the two of us. i am aware of the damage being angry does to a vulnerable child and i hate myself for it.

how come you think its not likely i will move away, with or without her, i was disappointed by you saying this as it meant alot when you suggested it, it showed you actually had belief that i could have the courage to do that and now you know alot more you think differently. this makes me nervous as im feeling similar feelings that i get from most people. when i am starting to trust somebody like yourself, i easily feel the shame coming back as i feel you view me differently, not in such a positive light like before and i am anticipating rejection all over again. how insecure am i! im sorry if you regret responding to me on here as i know your a kind and honest person.

I agree that my mum has definetly been a victim, i know for sure, most people are anyway, i am yet to hear of a single person that genuinely has had a good enough childhood, im sure there has to at least be one person out there!

if i could stop being angry with my daughter i would do it in a heart beat and i honestly do try, i try very hard and when im angry i think im a good mum actually. Like you have already pointed out, the lack of support from my family and there abuse towards me as well as her dad and step mum criticising me and putting me down has damaged my daughters opinion of me and i hate them for that. hate is a destructive emotion but thats how i feel. imagine i had never harmed my daughter with my aggression, i still think she would have been harmed anyway by my family, mainly her dad and of course me and her dad not being together, it has caused a major split in her which is a very deep wound that no amount of good parenting could heel. i am not excusing my aggression and yes if i was never aggressive it definetley would have helped over the years but realistically, i could not do that, i was and still am too damaged myself.

Since you have suggested about me moving which i have secretly thought about for a long time but never shared it with anyone, i have been looking into home exchange and see how i get on with that. i like your idea about having a good plan, of course great advice, its when im overwhelmed i fall into situations and react to what is happening much more so. its hard to plan and wait because then the anxiety and depression gets a chance to come through and then it gives me a knock and i lose confidence and hope for the future.

i feel like you would rather not communicate now because  i have been a bad mum sometimes. Life is hard and unfair. It is so easy to hurt a child and i wish it wasnt. im thinking about sterilisation for many reasons. to protect myself and the potential child from harm, to ease my guilt, to not contribute to the abused and suffering children in this world, and a sacrifice to myself out of love for my child who i let down and so badly didnt want too. i need as much as possible to believe its ok that i still want to live, to not give up yet and that i deserve to have a good life. i want to do whatever it takes to forgive myself and to learn from my mistakes. My whole life has been about guilt and shame and im sick of it.

Thankyou for sharing intimate details about a child you loved and do love, now an adult. You connected with him through a mothers eyes, thats as good enough as being a mother. im glad you have finally forgiven yourself after so long. it is considerate of you to have in mind the immense pain in feeling guilty about harm inflicted on a child in your communication with me and i  imagine this helps you to empathise with my situation as you have been victimised yourself by your mother.

Apologies for not writing when i said i would. I have been quite overwhelmed form our last communication on here. Before I share what that has been about i will firstly start with some questions I have regarding your last post so I dont forget.

If I move away, would there still not potentially be people that could trigger my wounds anyway which could mean I would just be running away from my problems to only find the problems reoccuring? Should I not move away with my daughter so it is just the two of us, we would be isolated and away from the unhealthy dynamics in my family at least then i wouldnt be abandoning her?

If I was and still an being victimised by my family, is it possible that I have been a genuine victim at times as well as a false victim wanting control without me realising it? It scares me as I know in my heart ive ended up like my mother in so many ways who i believe is a false victim that beleives she is a real victim who cannot see the harm she is doing to people sub-consciously? I have the same tendencies as my mum and observing how i feel about her gives me a good idea how my daughter feels about me, frustrated, doesnt feel heard, and i make it all about me. im sorry if this confusing, ive tried to explain it the best i can because i watched a video recently on the internet called the victim control technique and it described my mother very well.

I do dissociate in a group mainly but it also happens with just one other person. I beleive in trusting patterns and repeated feedback and i have been told, being around me is like walking on eggshells, im too serious, im guarded and defensive and quiet.

okay, im really struggling to write today which im aware is due to sleep deprivation and pushing through resistance as this communication were having is unusual for me unless it is in a therapeutic context, although you are not a therapist i feel the exchange here we are making is helping me immensely. beleive it or not i have been in that profession, taking a break form it as know i have alot more work to do on myself and questioning why i went into this field of work, the motivation behind it, in all honesty ‘helping’ others through conflict is familiar and im good at it well sometimes.

I have said to my daughter that she can no longer be in the house due to the last time she was here and one cat is pregnant and is ready to have her kittens any day now which is worrying for me as ive never assisted with delivering kittens before! the last thing i need is her not listening and us both feeling and being angry and it being a disaster. To cut along story short, she came to the house anyway to get something she needed and i felt quite ridiculous giving it to her through the window, still being pleasant with her and offering to talk to her in the car as she was crying in the garden. we did and it was just another one of our talks where at some point she will start pleading with me to get what she wants which was to be able to come back in the house again. i didnt give in and i said it was only gonna be for a while but its like i cant get through to her anymore. she looks desperately unhappy, sharing with me how she feels like nobody cares about her at her dads, she cant do anything right, crying alot and looking really sad. she has felt this since she moved there with the exception of when she first moved in (i also asked her to move back home about a month ago because of her being so sad even though living there was still early days) she said she would if i got her a playstation, i agree i would because i just wanted to have her home and she agreed to not using her phone all the time like before which is what finally brought it to ahead of her leaving anyway, constantly being on her phone and not engaging in life. when i would try to instil boundaries and put time limits on her phone use she would swear, shout, be aggressive towards me and in the house. I apologised to her a few weeks ago about not being able to get her the play station when i said i would as my benefits had been cut so i couldnt afford it. Anyway, the car journey ended with her being angry with me, i nearly crashed into another car, my anxiety does not help and i react to what she does say too much and it gets out of control. she deliberatly put her knee where the gear stick was to restrict me from driving properly, i pulled over and quite angrily said to her to get out the car and walk to her nannas which is where she told me to drive, she refused and started shouting again, i just wanted her out the car so i thought it was easier to just get her there. when i did eventually arrive, she took ages to leave the cat, pleading with me to go into her nannas house (my mum) i said i was exhausted and just to go in alone without me. she was really upset but i was more relieved that i could deal with my stress. i text my mum and said do not bring her to the house (my mum always undermines me) it was unusual for my mum to not respond to my text all day so i rang her as i wanted to check my daughter was ok. it was a long call and in a nutshell, my mum thinks im not being strong enough to deal with her challenges and that she needs to come home and live with me. my mum said that my daughter wanted to come home and because i said she cant she asked if she could stay with her where my mum said she could. As im writing this ive just remembered that initialy before my daughter asked to pick something up from the house, her dad asked her to ask me if she could come and stay with me for a couple of weeks as the stepmum thinks she is too noisy and works nights. i emailed him and said i couldnt in a tactful way as im trying to keep the peace for my daughters sake as she has to live with him, he hasnt responded and i imagine that my daughter doesnt wanted and that she belongs anywhere so yeah i definetly feel guilty. There is much to write but my conversation with my mum got very deep and she said hurtful things and so did i. as soon as the call had ended i regretted speaking to her about i did. im scared that if my daughter goes there she will treat her the way she has treated me which she has done already which will only reinforce daughters belief of not having to take any responsibility ,no boundaries and being my mums helper just so she can feel safe. its all screwed up, there is so much to say but this is long enough.

i feel so lost, confused, guilty, angry, exhausted, a fraud and afraid that for my daughters welfare. she needs me, she is only 13 and im so stuck with how to help her in the most realistic way i can. please give me some more insight on this as its constantly on my mind.

when i have thought about moving away before, i like to think that the reason i feel so alone and isolated in the world is because i havent found people similar to myself but this enthusiasm quickly diminishes and it goes back to there being something wrong with me., like im defected or im one of those rare people that arent likeable, once people get to know me a little, they become distant. im quite passive aggressive at times and i have been really nasty when ive been angry. playing the victim is so engrained in me and ironically i feel strength from this where i can assert myself. i compare myself to others and i struggle with authority.