hello Anita.

Once again i felt resistance in responding to you, not because i dont want too but anything where i am required to respond whether or not i want to or not, the resistance appears and its a big pain in my life but im getting better, very slowly. Today has been quite a tough day, had an interview for a job i didnt really want and i dont understand why they offered it to me but understandable anyone from all walks of life can get a job in the care industrry, the jobs that nobody wants to do. i went for it because i just need money, i dont want to go to the job centre more because i feel humiliated and if i have more money i dont need to depend on my family for support. i feel like such a burden. my mum hurt my feelings again today. the best way to describe is, when i am visibly showing how much disatisfaction, frustration and tiredness i was experiencing where my mum witnessed this, she just seems so fake, pretending to care, im not paranoid, i catch her rolling her eyes at my dad sometimes, she will be sarcastic like its ‘poor me’ and i need to just toughen up a bit, i get so many questions that i am expected to answer in the way that they would like but during these times im so emotionally spent that i cant think properly and i disapoint myself by not making sense which might make it appear to my family like im lying or im not trying hard enough. i still beleive ther is something wrong with me. ill give you a couple of some small examples. my mum sometimes offers me tea when i visit but she never has the milk that i like in tea. i usually bring my own but i dont always remember and we have even joked about it and she still wont buy it so i have to refuse tea sometimes. another one is i asked if i could use my mums bank card to pay a bill as i only had cash and the bill needed to be paid quickly, i gave her the cash quickly to reassure her i was paying and i didnt get a thankyou. i didnt like the way i was being, i was trying to be myself, not faking it like they want me too and both parents leave me feeling misunderstood. when they smile at me, im ashamed because i dont want to smile back, i feel guilty because there trying but i cant bare to pretend im happy when im not. there is so much to mention about my parents but i havent got the strength today to go into it.

i sent my daughter a message tonight as she will be coming back home this weekend and i havent heard from her since last saturday where she decided not to come to stay at the weekend (she had a friends birthday sleepover but imy intuition told me she wants me to miss her and wants me to suffer)  the conversation tonight ended when i said im really looking forward to seeing you and i got no response so im feeling very rejected and a failure. once again i will have to fake it and pretend that im ok so she can be ok. i dont resent doing this for her as she needs this but i resent my circumstances and my limitations.

Thanks for sharing about the time your mum mistreated you. it takes courage to share information where it can leave us feeling vulnerable. i dont judge you, i feel sad that happened and id like to say, as a guilty, flawed and abusive parent i have been at times, your mum was totally responsible for her actions, not you. i know you know this already but hopefully as another reminder it helps. i have been the angry mother who has to live with the guilt that it brings and i have also been slapped in the face by my dad so i can relate to what you said. i think you may have been younger than me so it would have been more damaging as i was in my teens but it still hurt nonetheless.

i question what im living for at the moment. i feel so ashamed, scared and lonely. i want to feel i have value and something to offer. i used to think being a good mother was enough to give me purpose but this has not worked either. i want to write so much more but im so tired and its a miracle ive wrote this. ill try and write some more over the weekend. thanks for reading

Thanks for your very honest and caring response. It means alot to me. An example of how my mind works. I was very eager to hear from you, excited for connection and slightly anxious, when i first read the last response you sent, i felt loved and considered. i read it again about 30 minutes later and i thought to myself, because you dont know me completely, i cant allow myself to receive your kindness. its ‘what if she reallt knew me, if she did, she would regret investing any time towards this communication and she would judge me and think to herself how could i have been so misunderstood about this girl, she is a liar, an incompetent person and not to be trusted. i just feel like im a bad person no matter how much ‘good’ i do.

i want to write more but im in the uk and its quite late now so i shall write more tomorrow. i really appreciate you taking the time to respond anita.

yes it does resolve it thankyou. i know i am coming across  as defensive and i guess i am but its because i have felt guilty from such a young age even before i was a mother. it was the main theme of my therapy work. needing forgiveness for my mistakes. your views on parenthood i usually agree with but lets remind ourselves of the almost impossible challenge of a parent who were  once children themselves and have been damaged by being  emotionally neglected, witnessing  domestic violence, very lonely with no sense of belonging and ridiculed by family members to grow up to be able to do the most important job there is, to raise a child in a safe and loving way without never harming them.

I know i have been hurt so much and it feels like my body is exhausted from it all. i feel so down and i just want to sleep all the time. my legs feel heavy and i havent been going to the gym but i just feel like hiding myself away from people. its a catch 22, im lonely & isolated and wish to have friends and a man that loves me for me but im afraid of getting close to people. im always in survival mode with people because if i show who i really am they will reject me and judge me.

my daughter isnt coming to stay with me this weekend and hasnt responded to a text i sent her asking how she was (she was poorly and off school) she was with me  because this is where she feels comfortable. she was here for two days and then she started being disrespectful again, i asserted myself with her and said to her she has no right to talk to me like that. yeah i got cross with her. i feel like she is testing me and if im not perfect im the bad guy.

i saw my mum because she wanted me to return the hoover i borrowed. as we were talking i was aware i was forcing myself to talk as much as i was. i feel like saying to my mum, what will it take to get you to see how much pain im in? i dont want to talk because i will have to convince you i have a plan of some kind of how im gonna get a job and improve my life because i know you only like to fix me.  it is so hard to raise a smile in her presence and all my family for that matter. im sick of having to be strong and proving myself.

im really trying to build up my energy to feel better and to embrace all emotions but when i feel so down like i am at the moment it just makes me want to sleep it feels that strong. i believe this is a coping tool of how i coped during my lonely teenage years. i would spend all day in my room with no interaction and would look out the window afraid to leave the house on my own. when i knew mum & dad were home from work, i would put on a pretence that i was busy and was ok, i was so ashamed.

i have interests in terms of my career but im struggling to pick one because i procrastinate alot and i just want to be sure before i invest my time and effort because im not getting any younger.

I wish men that might be interested in me  would approach me so we could start a relationship but it never happens. ive tried online dating but because my anxiety is there i cant go through with the first date. id like to meet someone in an everyday situation as i think this would be easier.

Thankyou Anita for your support, it is really nice to hear your kind words said to me as I wouldn’t hear that from anyone else in my life, they would either judge me, doubt me or criticise, so it was very difficult for me to be assertive with her but I still believe I made the right choice as I kept remembering what you said about how if me going to the wedding wont actually change the friendship between us so I figured I have been dissatisfied enough in the friendship for years anyway so why put myself through more? I’m done with it. I am still friends with her on FB and I think at some point I will just hit delete. I can assert myself when I need and I actually come across as quite confident to some people but then people take me the wrong way as I am friendly and cheerful when I am getting to know someone and I then start to reveal other parts of me and people must not like it, peoples perception can vary from one person to the next.

I should have replied yesterday as I was in a better frame of mind, so much has happened again since I last wrote, story of my life. I get a brief moment or a couple of days if I am lucky feeling positive and strong and then a whole whirlwind of stress and worry comes. It involves my ex (daughters dad) and his partner, it means now stopping contact and I guess inside I feel so fed up with the lack of support and demands of being a parent and now I wont get any quality time to myself now, I need energy to put into finding work, starting my business, building friendships, having time to feel calm and to allow myself to just be. Life just seems so unfair, I know I shouldn’t feel sorry for myself but its like the universe is teasing and testing me all the time. I have been working really hard lately to have better health and it feels all my work is for nothing.

I saw my ex who I recently broke up with in his car today, I waved but he did not wave back, he is probably getting even with me as the last couple of times a similar situation has happened and he has waved and I ignored him because I was too hurt to wave back. I ended it with him as I thought he was being really insensitive about the other girl, he gave no reassurance that it was me he wanted, he hasn’t shown he is sorry, so after I told him it was over, we went quiet with no contact and then a few weeks later I realised that we still had a counselling session booked in so I asked him if he still wanted to go, thinking maybe we could make sense of where our relationship was heading, I was secretly hoping he would be really sorry for hurting me, realise he had made a mistake, acknowledged how distant he has been and promise to make it up to me but it was nothing like this at all. ( I have told him that this is what I need to be able to forgive him) He just seemed as confused as I was, we both admitted we felt relieved from the tension and he seemed a lot better in himself although when we spoke briefly I could tell he wasn’t as he started to cry. I couldn’t show empathy towards him as felt let down again during our counselling session. I feel used as he only ever just wanted to feel better about himself so all my nurture has made this happen. He didn’t fight for our relationship this time, I asked him if he was with anyone else, he said no but didn’t look me in the eye, I asked him if he had seen the girl he had a crush on, he said he tried to contact her as he was struggling to sleep again which I know is bull shit, he just wanted to see her, as soon as I said that when he should have been working on making up for his mistake he was putting his efforts into making a connection with her, he got defensive and said it was ok as I said it was over. He text me a couple of days later saying he was sorry, that we have both caused each other a lot of pain and he is still hanging on but doesn’t know what he needs to do. He admitted he promised me too much at the beginning and has let me down. He is very good at avoiding questions put to him, he twists it, turns it around or brings up another issue to throw me off. that was about a week ago and I am getting used to life without him but I still hope for his return, I miss him usually on days like today, when I feel strong I feel I don’t need anybody. I could write so much about it but it would be too draining for the one reading it.

I really do appreciate being able to come on here and write about it all, I find it really difficult to write, self expression is hard for me anyway though unless it is anger of course which is destructive but once it is all done I feel so much better.

Thanks Anita for responding. Do you think I should just give her the real reason as to why I wont be going as I always try to be as honest as I can but I don’t want to upset her. She text me a few days ago out of the blue asking if I would be going and I felt pressure to answer her so I told her I would be. I have made it even more difficult for myself now as usual. It also means by not going it will confirm that I have no friends and my life feels so empty. I feel like I have lost so many people in my life. Although these people were not a positive influence and I have days where I do know I am on the right path, I feel so alone, lost and scared. It is hard to walk away when my fear is that is what they will do to me, abandon me.

Hello, I want to start by saying I am really sorry for replying so late. I guess I was struggling from what you had last said Anita and I have been feeling emotionally overwhelmed since I last wrote anything. Ok I want to respond to what you last said. I totally agree with you about me needing to stop saying hurtful comments when I am angry, it is destructive, damages trust and hurts people including myself. I really regret all the times I have done this to people I have cared about during my life, unfortunately I learned this growing up by listening to drunken arguments between my mum and dad and it has been a coping defence for me when I am hurt. I need to stop and since we last spoke I have barely done this even though I have received verbal insults, hurts and criticism by my partner.
It is much more peaceful between me and my daughter and I still continue to separate my relationship and parenting, it is lovely to feel more calmer around her and more able for daily challenges, I am trying to be the best parent I can be, putting much more awareness in to what I say and how I say it. I have always tried to do my best for her but when I need to attend to my childhood wounds and I am hurting I have found it too hard to give her fully what she needs as well as all my other worries and no real support.

The part where I felt misunderstood was when you wrote that I needed my boyfriend to be like a loving parent towards my daughter. This is what he made clear form his intentions from nearly the start. I wrote before how he promised so much to me and my daughter saying things like he wants to be like a stepdad to my daughter, he wants to treat her like his own daughter, he actually told her this too, how he wants to marry me and be a family and commit to me. We actually went to view another house once but I can see now he wasn’t taking it seriously. I said to him at the very beginning that we needed to take things slower but he became very intense and on the rare occasions I did try to be boundaried he would become paranoid, angry and try to make me feel guilty for wanting some space so he would always pick an argument making me feel it wasn’t worth it because it would hurt so much. Most evening were spent talking about his past, his girlfriends, his hatred towards his mum and his depression. He would spend so much time at my house as we both weren’t working (were both still not working) have family dinner together, help with the school run so it was like we were living together (committed) but because he hadn’t properly moved in and I wanted to know where I stood as I wanted to trust him considering I had given up so much alone time, and because he had let me down so much I had to check I wasn’t being used. When I would ask him about this he would get angry or he would talk how he wont know when he will be ready to commit properly to me as he doesn’t know how long he will be in therapy. He seemed genuine at times that he did want a future and meant all the things he promised but when it came to the day where he had to deliver, he would buckle under the pressure. It was very confusing and over time I just never really knew where I stood. At the very start I communicated so many times about us taking it slower, about the kind of person I was who values their own space and confided in him everything about my family history and that I wanted to distance myself from my family as they had caused me so much hurt, he would not listen to me and if anything tried to encourage to spend more time with them and eventually between him and my mum and dad persuading me to go abroad on holiday which I really did not want to go on as I know how I would feel. That holiday was traumatic and it nearly broke us up, I still find it hard to think about it. So in the end it was being argued about all the time like this was what all our issues were about. He is still living with his mum and she has asked him to move out (she has said this before) he has deep rooted issues with his mum which he is working on in therapy but I don’t think living with his mum is helping him heal I really don’t as she still criticises him and he worries about not being able to financially support himself as he doesn’t pay anything whilst he lives with her but he has more than enough money to support himself but he chooses not too as he is not working.

We have only had two therapy sessions since I last wrote on here and the last one was today. This time I told the therapist about how hurt and rejected I felt as he recently confided in me that he tried to cheat on me with a consultant that he needed to see about his insomnia, this has been heart breaking for me and over the time we have been together he has told me he has developed feelings for his therapist, fancied another girl on the family holiday I did not want to go on (this brought up all my body image issues) and this other girl who was providing support for him giving him career advice. He also told me if it wasn’t for him being in therapy he would have cheated on me, and I have had to endure him looking at other woman a lot of the time when we have been out. We have had so many arguments about this. Our histories when we were young has caused so much mistrust between us and now I honestly don feel I can ever trust him with another woman. Although he hasn’t actually betrayed me by cheating, he did try to contact the consultant and he told me if she was willing to be with him he would have done so, he said he didn’t even think about me while he was doing this. In arguments he has said why cant I be more like her, and think because I don’t have a degree I am not worth very much (he didn’t say it like this but I have always felt this and I know he is motivated towards successful and attractive woman) All my attempts at trying to better myself during our time together he has felt threatened by it in some way and I feel like I hate him and love him at the same time. He has hurt me so much. I have tried to improve my life but it has been hard as our relationship has taken so much work as well being a mum and the stress from worrying about money. its been too draining for me to have energy for my career and make new friends. I feel like I am losing so many people in my life but I do believe this is a good thing as the sister I was closest too physically attacked me as well as previous times and I am trying to remove toxic people from my life, it feels like I am losing the only two friends I have but they didn’t put in much time for me anyway, probably because of my neediness. My family is not my family anymore and now it seems my dad might have early signs of dementia, there on holiday and apparently he forgot where he was. I just want my parents to come home safe. We both see ourselves the same in this world. we were both black sheep’s in our families, socially anxious and feel were not good enough in some way.

My life is just one big mess and I feel like I am sinking, I resent being a mother at times having to burden all the responsibility and energy that comes with it, I resent being alive as my life is always a struggle. I am getting older and I feel so scared, alone and rejected. I have not heard from my partner since our therapy session earlier today and it was left with another argument both of us hurting each other. I cant even engage in conversation with him now when he is trying as I am so hurt. He has shown guilt and has cried his eyes out to me about all the arguments we have had just like I have but then it changes again. I don’t know what to do, I wish I felt his love again and I so wish that I could trust him, he doesn’t trust me either. I really wanted us to build on trust but when we get close again he tries to sabotage it, becomes suspicious off me like he is waiting on me to do something wrong, he becomes angry and argumentative and then I do the same.

I am sorry if this has turned out to be too long but I really could do with some encouraging and kind words right now. thankyou.

Hello, thankyou for taking the time to respond to me, it has really helped already just being able to type it all out to try and get some clarity into how I am feeling. Both responses have been insightful.
Anita-I have read your replies to many others on here and I have found the advice you have given very solid, trusting and very inspiring especially as you have shared at times and been so open about your personal life and seem very dedicated on the road to self acceptance.
In answer to your question, I am actually starting the therapy tomorrow although we were doing it last year for about four months. I am really hoping this time it will help us both and we feel more positive about each other, I told him it was our only hope today but he said he would speak to me properly tomorrow. As I have decided to only spend time with him when my daughter isn’t around, it has and will take the pressure off me as there were so many times it was so stressful keeping them both happy, I was always worrying if daughter was feeling ignored (which many times she was which upset both of us) this is one of the reasons I get so frustrated as I say to him so many times that he needs to give her more attention, show interest and to listen more but he just cant seem to do it so I feel I have to do it all. It feels like I am not being honest with her though as I told her at the time it was over between us (not expecting my feelings would change).
We are both reading the The Five Love Languages (well I am and I hope he is) by Gary Chapman as my therapist recommended it and I have read online its very useful for couples experiencing communication difficulties. I will just focus my efforts on interpersonal skills and I remember early signs of this being a problem when we got back together. When we were younger, his personality in my mind looking back seemed very different to who he is today, when I was trying to be myself he becomes paranoid and finds it really hard to relax if there is no talking, I am a quiet person by nature and told him this many times, maybe too quiet due to growing up with little attention so it is very familiar and comfortable for me so trying to find a middle ground is challenging. I feel a lot of the time as I relate to him, the way I did as a child, ignored and there to please. I don’t do so much of the pleasing now, no where near as much as I used to which is why it flowed so well initially and without realising I got fed up with feeling like the same frustrated and lonely girl I always was. I have felt loved by him and he was so kind and caring but he said because I have hurt him so much (rejecting him and saying mean words in anger) that he finds it hard to give me what I need. We both realise that trust is what is missing and it would be a miracle if I could trust him especially when it comes to other woman.

Inky- I guess unworthy was a good fit for me but days like today when I am feeling better I think I am being to hard on myself but my the message I hear in my head when I am hurt and sad is ‘I don’t deserve this’ but I want to feel like I am good enough but when I start comparing myself to others or find it uncomfortable letting people get close to me it confirms my belief. My anxiety shows me up with people and I feel shame because of it. I know what you mean about being a grown up, again this is why I have been so frustrated as I feel like a mother to him, totally not living up to my expectations and so different to how I thought he was before. (He would say the same about me most likely) Your right though parenting is always top priority and I will have to forgive myself for letting this slide.