Thank you, Blaice, for this post. It comes at a time where I suddenly realized that I can’t seek all the answers I want, which is what I naturally want to do being a scientist. But also an emotional, ruminative, impulsive, and feverish seeker. I had to know what made the other person’s brain work. I wasn’t happy until I had metaphorically skinned them alive in my mind to find an answer.

But you are right. There doesn’t have to be a reason. Or, maybe the reason is just not paying attention to ourselves and holding fast to our boundaries (speaking from recent personal experience) when someone bolts in quickly and bolts back out again, cycling back and forth between hot and cold until you can’t feel the temperature change and no longer know you are in the water at all. The hardest part for me right now is trying not to kick myself over and over again for ignoring what I ignored. I allowed myself to be dragged down into the emotional murk again when I knew it wasn’t good for me, this person wasn’t good for me, the red flags were everywhere – as if a hundred bulls were running toward me at full pace, my heart felt heavy, and yet the good parts felt like a drug.

I apologize if I am rambling. Writing this is cathartic. It’s almost reaffirming to myself why I need to stay away and resist the impulse to pick up the phone. It will not make things better. Having a reason will probably hurt more. It’s okay to not have an answer. I will not die from it. I will not be injured from it. I don’t need it.

Thank you.