Dear Mell,
I’m so, so sorry you are going through this. I’ve been there. When my ex-fiance got someone else pregnant, I also experienced an ongoing, overwhelming torrent of the painful thoughts and feelings that you describe. That was the time when I started my meditation practice because I needed a way to cope with the crazy hurricane of hurt, anger, grief, loneliness, and betrayal that was going on 24-7 within me. That worked for me because in those moments where I was fully present with my breath, or could observe my thoughts without getting entangled in them, I could take back my sanity a few seconds at a time. I also found that any activity that requires your full concentration – for me it was playing music – can also still your mind. It doesn’t sound like much but getting a breather from your own pain can be a lifesaver.

I promise you won’t always feel this way, and that you will experience peace and happiness again. In the meantime, be patient with yourself and trust that you are stronger and more resilient than you know. Healing is happening even if you can’t tell and every day that you make it through is a day where you are a winner.

Dear Tim,
Please give yourself a lot of credit for having a healthy concept of a loving relationship. Also, give yourself credit for being courageous enough to explore these tough questions and to share that process with us.

PUA culture is 100% horrible – those sites are filled with toxic misinformation and warped ideas about women that will never bring anyone true happiness and create a lot of confusion and suffering for people. The reason they are making you feel bad is because your instincts are telling you that they *ARE* bad and to stay away. You seem like a kind and decent person – never let anyone tell you that those aren’t god things to be.

If I have any advice for you it’s this: To find and maintain a healthy relationship, you have to first love yourself. If you don’t feel too loving or accepting towards yourself right now, that’s ok. Contrary to what we are taught, love is not just a feeling, but it is a SKILL and a set of actions and behaviors for relating to to yourself and others. And like any skill, the more you practice it the better you become.

First of all, forgive and accept yourself for not knowing how to love yourself: no one teaches this shit in a way that is helpful. One thing I find helpful is to bring to mind someone you love and care about unconditionally. Maybe this can be a young child, a dear friend or family member, or even a beloved animal. How would you speak to that person? What would you do if that person made a mistake or was upset? Think about the joy it brings you when you do something to help them or make them happy. Now, remember to treat yourself the same way. So often we beat ourselves up and tell ourselves not-nice things – but would you treat your best friend that way? Replace those thoughts with the kind and loving words you would use for your dearest friend.

In the book Art Of Loving, Erich Fromm speaks of the 4 aspects of love: care, responsibility, respect, and knowledge.
Self care and responsibility: What can you do right now to best take care of yourself and take responsibility for your actions and your happiness?
Self respect: What are your core values, and are you acting in accordance with them? What are healthy boundaries for you – the ways in which you allow people to treat you? Are you able to say ‘no’ when people try to cross those boundaries?
Self-Knowledge: Are you being really honest with yourself, to the best of your awareness?

If you focus on love from within, then love from outside will naturally follow 🙂