I agree Anita, that righteous anger is a natural emotion and can even be productive in some instances. After all, a significant number of achievements in the world have been done by people fueled by a kind of anger within. Not the destructive madness which I succumb to, but grim determination to overcome whatever obstacles lie between them and the goal which means more to them than anything else. I guess that’s a form of anger too. But then, so far I’m not able to direct my anger at selective places. My anger is like spraying a field with deadly insecticide… along with the harmful insects, the useful ones are killed as well and the crop is damaged. That’s the kind of destruction my anger is causing.

Just today morning, I had a dream that Jerry had messaged me, and the first thing I did after waking up was check my phone with foolish hopes. I wondered what I’ll feel if/when she does message me at last. To my surprise and aghast, apart from the feeling of elation and bliss I imagined, a small voice in some corner of my head also responded – “Reply her something like: finally remembered that I’m still alive, have you? What do you want now after ditching me for so long?” I just don’t understand what’s wrong with me. I fully understand Jerry’s emotions, I empathize with her and I’m ready to be humble and submissive towards whatever she says to me. I’m ready to unconditionally take responsibility for whatever happened, to blame her for nothing at all. Then why does this blasted voice crop up in my head, obscure everything else and force me to push the wrong buttons? It’s exactly what happened during our last fight. I was trying my best to be passive and gentle to her, and it was going well until she said something about my parents, this voice forcefully interpreted it as offensive and forced me to say all that toxic waste, calling me a coward. I just hate myself for it.

I actually do not have Jerry’s address. I never sent her gifts because whenever I asked to, she refused saying that she doesn’t want her parents to find out about our relation. Even gave a plethora of reasons trying to justify why sending gifts or meeting in person isn’t necessary to maintain a relation. Right now, I feel that the wish to marry her, while a noble goal, is very far-fetched. The reasons which immediately come to mind are –

* Most importantly, she has to accept my feelings first. I cannot force her to do anything against her wishes.
* She currently is extremely upset and angry with me, I don’t even know if she’ll ever talk to me again, or wish to be close again even if she talks. It’s the biggest factor.
*She’s still very young, studying and has a long way to go for her career and job. Everything else comes much later.
*The second biggest problem – I am 26 and currently not even in college, thanks to my family and my own folly. Under the best possible scenario, if I get into medical college this year, the course still takes a minimum of 5 years for undergrad. Postgrad is another 3 years, until I can get a job. And until then, there’s very little chance that her marriage will not be arranged, or she might love someone else.
* Even if the above problem is somehow worked out, I don’t know what to say if I do approach her parents. I can’t just say something like “Hi! I love your daughter and promise to treat her as a princess! May I pleeaasee marry her?” after all. On top of it, I have a lot of confidence issues.

My mind currently is not even considering all this. In the night I was thinking, what if during these days, she approached someone to discuss our relationship, the way I’m discussing it with you? And what if that person examined everything and told her that I’m indeed an abusive and manipulative person and it’s best to just leave me and live happily? What if she decided that she’s indeed very much happier and relaxed ever since she stopped talking to me, and decides to keep it that way and never return? What if she finds someone else in my absence and forgets about me? I know it’s fantasizing but isn’t there at least some real possibility in it. It’s eating into my head day and night and killing me. 🙁