Hi Anita –

I was a child of a abusive father and grandfather (verbally, emotionally, several times physically). I never felt safe, in fact I had anxiety starting at age 5 until my father was legally kicked out of the house for hitting my mom in front of me at age 11. From age 5-11 I thought my dad was going to kill me because of his rage. In fact, this is embarrassing, but until the age of 11, when my dad was kicked out, I had to sleep in my mom’s room, otherwise I would have anxiety attacks about dying and wouldn’t be able to sleep all night. At 13, during a nasty divorce, my mom’s health declined and she almost died from her heart stopping. I had to pick up a lot of the responsibilities while my mom was ill, because she couldn’t remember anything, all while my dad was taking and hiding money from us. At one point we couldn’t pay utilities and were getting close to not being able to eat while my dad was floating around on his yacht. As a kid I grew really talented at crying and being scared out of my mind to poof, 5 seconds later, in public I was smiling, happy, and silly in front of everyone. Hiding behind happiness was my defense mechanism. I have stayed out of relationships for many many years and spent so much time by myself relearning myself and healing my thoughts. And what you described is something I still do, when something intimidating comes up (a call for a job, a guy I like..etc.) I won’t even look at it. Even if its a good thing, I feel unsafe because I can be hurt by the outcome, so I stuff it away for hours or days until I can deal with it.
But I have worked on all that, and sure…I am definitely no master of myself, but I am realistic, compassionate, and I try. I know I fumble…but I try to learn or minimize it. I really just want to be normal, but even when I read what I wrote above it makes me sad and I don’t know if I could really

I had a moment of realization tonight – I realized that I had a huge part in this situation with this guy (duh, but a larger part than I initially thought). I was excited to find someone I felt this way about. I have been focusing on my work and myself for so long and I haven’t found someone that I felt excited about this him. I pushed it. I didn’t let things unfold effortlessly. I don’t know where to go now. I don’t have the line to communicate with him. I caused it by the way I confronted him. And if history repeats itself, he will contact me in 5 months, and I can’t do that again.

I realized it was primarily lack of communication. There are still things that were deceptive, however I don’t know enough facts to really give much detail without me rambling on. All my facts consist of what the other girl told me and contorted long stories, so I guess a lot of the content would be speculation.

As far as “too much damage in between two people” – I don’t even know where to go from here. I think its time I grow out of this one….maybe the way he treated me is a degree to close to my past. Maybe thats why it feels right, is because its just the kind of stuff I am used to.

What do you think Anita?
Again, thank you for all your help, its so incredibly nice of you. I really want to learn so I have the tool to create the life I want to live with people whom are healthy for myself to have in my life.