I’ll keep that in mind, yes. Sorry again.

Vile is really an understatement to what my message is. It’s not human. This is just what I was saying/thinking… if her family ever saw these messages I sent to her, what would he think of me? Would they not feel I am just another of the cyber monsters who pollute Internet boards? Would her father ever even think of letting us be in contact again, let alone what we discussed? Even my friends were so disgusted after this and one of them did not talk to me for long. I kept saying to her, I hurt you and don’t deserve to be with you. She always replied – “you do deserve to be with me, because I know the good in you and otherwise I wouldn’t still be here. I just want you to promise me to change and never say such things again.” Is there even a word for how beautiful her heart is? How innocent, kind, loving and faithful her soul is?

I was reading the “ghosting” topic on our forum here and I know I did that as well. I ask myself for one good reason why I still deserve to be with a girl like her… and I hear nothing but a ringing silence. My heart doesn’t even feel that she must forgive me now. I feel within that it’s best for her to go away from a vicious monster like me and be with people who’ll love and care for her, never hurt her the way I did. She kept saying, “please don’t be like this, it depresses me, everyone in my family knows I’m sensitive and nobody ever treated me like this”, and yet she stayed with me and bore all my viciousness without comment until finally I crossed the limits. I know I cannot live without her… and yet, can anybody who sees this ugliness ever feel that I love her? Is it not utter selfishness on my part to still pray for her to come back to me, despite all that I did to her? Thinking all this I just wish I had a cyanide pill or something in handy, these three weeks. I truly am sick of what I am, you can see why.

My grandma actually had a grudge against that boy because in one of the previous classes, his mom used to be the class teacher and for some reason (jealousy or sadism, whatever) kept beating me up for minor reasons and a few times, he unnecessarily told on me to her. Still, I agree it was an extreme reaction from my grandma to talk of him dying and all. Could it be genetic? It truly does make me sick in every way.

• This reply was modified 8 years, 8 months ago by ravi_zimmerfan.
• This reply was modified 8 years, 8 months ago by ravi_zimmerfan.