You said it rightly, Anita. Fact remains that it weren’t for Jerry, I would not even be here. The only reason I want to change is for her. Otherwise, life simply went on for me without caring what anyone thought of me. After all, even now when I confessed to my parents that I hurt a loved one very badly, my mom says – “A darling little boy like you can’t hurt a fly. That person must be taking advantage of your innocence.” Even one of my friends, after knowing this, kept insisting I’m a good person and was “just angry”, until I pressed her to be honest and she admitted I was disgusting. When people around me work hard to lay all blame off me, why would I have noticed anything until such a monstrosity happened? The fact that it happened many times and despite wanting to change, I didn’t, shows that I did not care enough. That’s just the harsh truth. (Though not trying to lessen my blame, but this was the only time I said something directly against her. Other times were all like ‘I know I’m bad, you don’t like me, I hope I die.’ Not that it’s any less bad.)

I know the truth. I just know that if she truly leaves me, I don’t have any motivation to continue my pursuit either. I know people will keep saying, “there are things more important in life, she’s not everything”, but I cannot let go of her. Especially because you know how wonderful she is and it’s all my fault for this situation. I know I most definitely do not deserve to be even back with her as a friend without making significant progress in changing myself. I do have enough faith in our bond to feel that we still can be back, at least one last time. I pray it happens and nothing bad ever happens between us again. It’s my only wish and the only reason I am here hoping to change myself and be back with her when the time is right.