You’re right Anita. Growing up in an incubated environment means that I have no skills to handle discomfort. Truthfully speaking, physical pain I can handle, at least I had some experience in that regard (not that I invite it). But emotional pain overwhelms me. Obviously being brought up as though I’m a delicate flower that will wither upon the slightest touch of a dewdrop doesn’t do much to boost my self-confidence. But more than that, it’s also true that I have never loved someone to the extent that I love Jerry. Not to mention my guilt for being the monster I was/am. I’m someone who still can’t hold back tears during that infamous scene in Lion King. You can imagine how badly this present situation is affecting me.

I did try my best to complete two or three topics today. Just tried to focus on the text while studying and eventually found I was just staring at the same line for an hour without thinking, my mind elsewhere. When the depression and memories struck, closed the door and relieved myself two or three times. Could not do anything about the crushing sensation… just sat passively and tried to tell myself, “It’s a test of your patience and love for her. As long as you work sincerely to change yourself and study, she will come back. It’s not the end.” I dunno what more I can do. It’s really painful.

I know it’s an opportunity to make myself emotionally stronger. But it’s taking a toll on m, physically and mentally. I know I deserve this pain for my misdeeds. I don’t know how to measure my progress, if I’ve become any better than I was when I did all that.