Ya, I know I have reason to be angry at them. I don’t however have good reason to believe that I can selectively direct my anger only at people who “deserve” it, and not indulge in behaviour commonly called kicking the cat. Speaking of physical violence I’ve never hit anybody in life other than that school bully I had previously mentioned, and I have enough faith in myself to know I can keep it that way forever unless something genuinely serious happens. But using the insecticide analogy, once the anger flares up within, I find it generally stays there for a long time even without me knowing. I don’t know how many times I told Jerry, “I’m sorry for being like that… I was having a bad day”, something like that. But it doesn’t change what happened.

For the last few months I was so irritable that I used to start hissing profanities for something as small as some obstinate vehicle causing us delay on the road. I’m not even an adolescent to blame hormones for being unreasonably angry. I have always liked the path of genuine ahimsa or pacifism mentioned in Buddhism and it has been my desire to put it to practical use as much as possible. But I haven’t succeeded. If only I had, I would not have been facing this day today. I may have the “right” to be angry at some people, but it doesn’t mean I have to be. I can simply be assertive without holding any anger or violence in my heart (emotional violence, not physical). I truly fear that my inner demons can wreak even more havoc when I have a chance to mend everything in the future.