Hello Luxuria,

You are not crazy for feeling the way you do. We all have been there a few times in our lives. First off I am no expert. I am a normal person just like you. I don’t have the magic answers to all of your questions in fact I don’t even have them for myself =) I like you have come out here asking others what they think and feel hoping it might give me a little insight to my own problems.

As I have said I have been where you are. I’ve felt the same things, done the same things and experienced the emotions you are feeling.

I learned long ago everyone is different. Just like a snowflake no two are alike. We all have our own unique qualities that make us who we are. You will not find the same things in someone else as you found in your ex. There are or could be similarities but inevitably it is not the same.

I would ask you to ask yourself what you are hoping to accomplish by contacting him? Are you looking for answers? Are you looking to start or try to start things back up with him? Or are you just wanting to try and be friends?

These are just some of the questions I would ask you to think about first. If you decide to go ahead and try to make contact again are you prepared for what may happen? What if he refuses to answer or ignore you? What if he doesn’t give you the answers you are looking for? What if he has no interest in trying again with you? What if he does not want to have a friendly relationship with you?

I know it sounds confusing and perhaps negative they way I have worded this but I guess the real question is this. What is this going to do for you? Is it going to help you or is it going to hurt you? You have to think of it from both perspectives and understand the consequences for either outcome.

It’s easy to rush into things with out thinking about it first. Say you go ahead and contact him and nothing happens. As hurt and confused as you are and stated how is that going to impact you?

You spoke about getting help. I would suggest trying to see a counselor first for a while and explain these things to them and see what they suggest. It has been 5 years a little more time wouldn’t hurt. Talking with a counselor will help prepare you for what ever outcome there may be.

I went down the same path you have. Was with a person for 8 years and things ended because of cheating. I had been about 3 years since we had last spoken and I decided to reach out to her because of a mutual obligation we both shared. Contact was made and we did exchange quite a few emails. In those emails we talked about a great many things from our past. I was actually enjoying the conversations with her.

I like you was never told why things happened the way that they did. I figured after 3 years of being separated it would be easy for her to answer my question. The response I got was quite vague. I was young and it was my fault that I did what I did and nothing more. It really didn’t help me at all. I wanted more of an explanation than what she had gave.

I backed off on the subject because I felt I was looking for what I wanted to hear compared to what she was actually telling me. The conversations lasted a few days longer and once our mutual obligation was taken care of it went back to silence again. That as well hurt and bothered me.

A few months later I found out that she had gotten married.

I had hoped silently that maybe things could have worked out and perhaps even try again, or at least be able to have some kind of a friendship. None of the above happened.

In time I learned to move on. I had to move on because while I was devoting my every thought to her she was already long past and over me. It was not fair that I stood still while she moved on. This was no ones fault but my own. It took time but I learned how to do it and accept it.

Think about the counseling and think about the questions I posed to you and take it from there. Just make sure you have prepared yourself for what ever that may happen before you contact him if that is what you decide.

I hope this helps you a little and if you need someone to talk to I’ll be here for you.

Mike