Yes, the Middle Path is what clicks with me too and I’ve been trying to follow. But like they say, we should choose our battles carefully. Especially if the guy who bumped into me is an egoistic/troublesome type known to involve in violent and questionable activities. If I try to be assertive to him, I feel inside – “Let it be. It’s not worth it. That guy won’t be anywhere in your life after a few minutes… why risk provoking him and making yourself a potential target of violence?” I also have heard that the ability to walk away from a situation choosing not to fight back is either a sign of cowardice or true strength. Like a lion may have the ability to rip apart the couple of jackals growling provocatively near the mouth of its den… but it chooses not to bother, because it 1) knows it has better things to do with its time rather than mess with two lowlives, and 2) has no lack of self-confidence and faith in its strength, if needed. At the same time, the jackals have no courage to keep a step inside the den, because they know it’ll be the last thing they ever do. So they stay at the mouth of the den and keep growling to convince themselves that they’re “strong” by abusing the lion, when within they know the truth.

I cannot help but wonder whether I’m being like the jackal. During non-issues like the incident with Jerry, my inner critical voice forces me to see insults when there are none and forces me to overreact to prove to it that I am “strong”. On the other hand when really confronted with a situation that demands assertiveness or a strong stance, I am not able to do it. I truly do feel this is a deplorable quality and really awful behaviour, at the very least it shows extreme lack of faith in myself and lack of confidence. Even when I was feeling insecure due to her bond with her brother, I kept thinking “I am not good enough… not only is he her blood relation, but he never hurt her unlike me. He must also be so funny and good-natured unlike the depressing and short-tempered individual I am.” She and others kept trying to explain to me that I am a worthy person in my own right, that we both have unique qualities and she does not wish to compare us… but I did not listen.

Gift is a rather incorrect word, I agree. This is what I’ve read – that if someone offers you something and you refuse to accept it, they have to keep it with themselves. Another analogy is someone trying to spit at the sky – it is so high (in the sense of being above petty insults) that the spit falls on the person’s own face. I know it’s too idealistic and hard to apply practically. But I’m just trying to look into all possible options. Maybe now that I’ve started trying to be assertive with my mom, my critical voice won’t provoke me to get violent in other situations when not apt (either with dangerous people like the campus guy or innocents like Jerry).