Thank you so much Anita, for expanding upon these examples so wonderfully and helping me notice the flaws in the convenient thinking. I had never really thought of it this way. Yes… Jerry having been a “safe target” is what I had realized sometime back after our conversation and I realized that my pent-up anger had gotten directed at her, simply because she’s so soft-hearted, willing to take all blame upon herself and always ready to forgive me without a word simply because of her love for me (until recently when I truly crossed the lines) even though she too is a human being with a heart. I can see I literally treated her like an object, a wedge to sharpen a knife upon, or a punching bag, whatever. It makes me feel absolutely horrible and disgusted at myself. I don’t think even the most abusive and ill-mannered people in the world treat their loved ones like I treated her.

In order to learn to be assertive, I first need to go out by myself away from the influence of certain people in my family. Sadly the inertia has been so strong that I myself don’t feel like stepping out of my room anymore. First step is clearing these exams which my parents have been asking from a long time and promising to give me independence once I do it. I don’t feel they’ll have any excuses left once I succeed. But until then, I want to develop enough self-control to prevent the anger from hurting innocent people until I can manage to develop a permanent change in myself. It’ll take time and life needs to go on until then.