Do you know what heart the most, that even after you get beat, they do not leave you alone either, they just want to you recover from it as if nothing happened, they just want to forget this happened, and you have to act natural for them so they can overcome it, they do not even give you the space to grief, they would send for a family member to help you get out of it, they can not even handle what they did to you, they live in denial, they would get you a gift or money to make you happy, it is you award to accept the betting, as if you did something good, are not you hurt enough that they would show it to other people, it’s like when you visit your grandmother, can you imagine being woken up on day by the sting of the lashes of a belt on your body, or you just raise your had to answer and you just heat of a slipper on your face! The beating did not hurt that much, the humiliation of that you can not keep it to your self, they just have to get every body involved in it!

One weird thought I just got, Why is it very frustrating that when you imagin a conversation with someone and their reply is the same negative reply you expected, and you were really fast on your more negative reply that you had uncountiously reply the same more negative reply that you had thought about but you thought you were better to say it.
Some times I hate being smart and and know the negative stuff others gonna say and they just say it, and when you say it out loud why do I have to get that angry so you would even consider, and you get that reply this is life, you have to fight for it even if it is already yours, you are in a constant fight with your self to control your anger, and people would tell you you won’t get any thing unless you fight for it and express your anger, and at the end and even if you reach what was ours, you already hate it, you hate the feeling that you have to heart other to get your own righteous need. It is just crazy, how we only have the concept of tolerating and not the concept countenance, that the sence feeling is no more, and the feeling of anger is therefore! I guess that’s how bipolar disorder, you cannot reach a normal level of expression! But if you are the one who is wondering all that you can not even know what is it you are feeling, or why you are feeling it to fix the reason of feeling it, triggers every where, you even get mad at your self that got mad for a silly reason.

I know that some times I am very excited and other am vey depressive, and other am feeling both at the same time, but what greater fight than fighting your own self, what greater purpose that you just feel you have too keep going, however you are feeling, what greater desire that you need to feel relaxed, I have been fighting with my self for decades and I’ll keep doing till I die, I have no other choice I cannot be a victim!