Dear unworthy:

This is a big day, the first of maybe a series of couple therapy sessions. Please do post with what went on in this session. You wrote above that the two of you attended four months of couple therapy, I think, last year.

You wrote: “…he said because I have hurt him so much (rejecting him and saying mean words in anger)”

First rule of interpersonal skills for the purpose of having a loving relationship is to stop all forms of abuse, including verbal abuse which is “saying mean words in anger.”

This has to stop on your part. When you are angry, take a break, calm down, distract yourself, meditate… whatever it takes so to not say mean words, not to your boyfriend and most importantly, not to your daughter.

(Would be really good if you don’t say mean words to yourself when you are angry at yourself!)

It seems to me that you think your boyfriend needed to be like a loving parent to your daughter when he spent time with her. Not necessarily. It was not the time to do that then or now. You and him are not an item, so it was and is too early. Only if and when you and him are a committed, solid item, committed to a life together, then, at that point, I would think of him as a co-parent, or a parent figure, not before.

I think it is a good idea, excellent idea, that you are seeing him at this point when your daughter is away, especially since you told your daughter that the relationship with him was over. I would keep it like this for a long time… until and IF you and him become a solid item, an item that is likely to last through the remaining of your daughter’s childhood at the least.

Looking forward to your update.

anita