Dear Anita and Suede,
Thank you both for your words.
Anita-I am so looking forward to this process that I am about to go through, true there is fear there but I am also excited about becoming , like Suede says, ” the best possible version of me “.
I feel ready to heal..I’m not sure that’s the right word but it’s the one I’m using today.
Suede, I am happy that you are radiating happiness and you are in a much better place , for myself I am hopeful .
My relationship lasted for only a year and a half but I just couldn’t imagine being in it for another week once things came to a head. Back in December I was in such a bad way physically and mentally I thought I was heading for a nervous break down, he told everyone I was suffering with exhaustion because I was working too hard, his mum told me to take care of myself because he was very good at taking care of himself. I felt so unbalanced and it felt as if I was losing my mind. I did everything he asked and when it felt like I was finally getting somewhere he would change direction and that thing he asked for in the first place wasn’t right !! Nothing was ever right or good enough , I tried changing my speech once to encourage better communication, he sent me some message he found on the internet somewhere saying I was minimising the problems and I was being manipulative.
I once told him that I feel as if I was walking on eggshells and his anger wasn’t normal, he said because I feared his anger, I projected it onto him and then the thing I feared became real ( as in he got angry ) and it was my fault . I honestly could not believe what I was hearing.
Life is already a bit sweeter , I now look forward to my weekends again …before it was as if I needed to get myself battle ready .