Dear Karene:

I re-read your previous posts in the other two threads as well as the posts on this thread. This is my understanding:

As a child you were very much alone. It is as if there was no one there to guide you. You needed an at least one parent to put words to what you are feeling; someone to listen to your thoughts and respond, let you know you were heard and that your thinking makes sense. You needed a parent to notice you, to be happy you exist. You needed a parent to look at you with that accepting, happy-to-see you smile. You needed a parent to give you these messages:

“I see you, Karene. When you feel sad, I see you feeling sad. Will you tell me what is making you sad? When you feel fear, I see it, will you tell me, Karene, what is making you scared?” And they you would tell the parent, and the parent will look at you with empathy and validate your feelings: “You feel sad because you lost your toy. You miss your stuffed bear.”

When you found those pornographic magazines, so many of them, at about 14, you needed your mother or father to say to you: “I am so sorry I left those magazines where you could find them. I am so very sorry for hurting you by leaving these here. I made a mistake and I regret it. This will never happen again.”

Instead this very meaningful event in your life, finding these magazines, was ignored. And so, you were ignored. Terribly ignored.

Looking at those photos in those magazines was very powerful in your life. Your father must have been distant from you. He must have ignored you. I have no doubts about that. So when you looked at what did get your father’s attention, you figured it was those perfect bodies that got his attention. And you figured you didn’t get his attention because you didn’t have that perfect body. And so your body image issues took a strong hold.

You wrote that you had therapy when you were 22. Obviously not good therapy and/ or not long enough. It takes a lot of time and work to heal from such a terrible childhood, such a lonely, alone kind of childhood. Plants require certain things to grow; people require much more than nutrients and shelter. It seems like all you got was food, shelter, maybe a few toys, clothes, access to school, but my goodness, it is as if you got nothing else in that lonely, lonely home of your childhood.

This guy at work is not the answer. Neither is losing weight or gaining weight or changing the color of your hair. If you’d like to correspond with me further on this thread, please do. Please let me know of your thoughts and feelings about what I wrote to you in this reply.

anita