Gosh, every time I try to put an example into words, I feel embarrassed at my past behavior. Feeling a little vulnerable here, online, amongst strangers.

Maybe I’ll start with an example of one where I DIDN’T turn into a beast, but was tempted. So, last night, my husband was working with our youngest son on a project for school. Son had procrastinated, and the project was due in school today. Husband was also trying to cook dinner and I was cleaning the carpets upstairs. As I passed through the living room where son was working, he mentioned needing to spruce up his display. I offered a box of craft supplies to inspire him, and that sent my husband into a tizzy. He was stressed about trying to make sure the project was completed before bedtime, and believed I was complicating the matter, and he was fussing at me about it.

I wanted to argue with him. I wanted to justify how I was HELPING HIM. I wanted to correct him. I took the craft supplies back and retired upstairs. After a while, he came upstairs to discuss the matter. I tried very, very hard to not escalate matters. Instead of calling him out for lashing out at me, I apologized for what he perceived as trying to take over the situation, and I told him that when he speaks to me the way he did, it made me feel like I was a hindrance.

I expected him to agree with me and apologize, but nooooooo. He told me he was glad I picked up on that, because I was being a hindrance at that time. And that made my blood immediately boil. I told him that I was fighting off my temper, and I didn’t want to argue. He was annoyed that I didn’t want to talk, but I was worried that if I continued the conversation, it would escalate.

I would like to get to the point where my blood doesn’t boil. I would like to feel so sincerely concerned about someone else’s perspective that when they lash out I don’t take it personally. But, in trying as hard as I do, it seems obvious to others that I’m having to try. Almost like I’m insincere. And, that likely incites the other person to respond to my anger, which in turn escalates things further.

This is one minor encounter that doesn’t even begin to explain how much of a problem my anger is for me. 🙁