Dear hopeoverdispair:

Practicing with your friends was and is an excellent idea. Problem, of course, is the fear factor. With your friends you are not so afraid of rejection. With a date, you are acutely afraid.

here are your core beliefs and what you may be saying to yourself on a date with a man you are interested in:

* “There has to be something wrong with me/If I reveal who I really am to someone, there is no way they’ll like me for me.” – He is going to find out…oh, no! Must hide!

* “Emotional intimacy means being able to listen to another person’s issues and always making sure they are ok, no matter what it is.” i am not important. He is important. Don’t waste his time with my issues and feelings.

* “I need the approval and validation of others…(that way, I can have it for myself).”- Look approvable, sound approvable, watch his face: does he approve of me? His voice: does he approve of me. Nothing matters more: not what he is saying, not what is true about me or about me… only matters that he approves, no matter who he is.

* “I have to perform and ‘step on the treadmill’, and work hard for another person so they can see my best possible self. If I’m not feeling great, well or good, they won’t like what they see./I’ll never have a good relationship with my anxiety, or myself” -It is not okay to appear sad or anxious. I cannot relax and just be: must be alert to look happy and perfectly fine- Fake it then!

When you obsess on conversations that happened already, that is you mentally practicing how to improve your performance the next time.

Notice in you being alert about your performance on a date, you not only don’t express your authentic self, you also are not paying attention to who the man is. This is key. You can’t know therefore Who it is that you may have missed on having a relationship with.

These core beliefs you listed are very common. Most likely the date shares some of those. Focus on this reality, that the man in front of you may very well share your fears and putting on a performance himself. Everyone is afraid. No single exception. Not everyone is afraid of spiders but everyone is afraid of something and most people are afraid of a whole lot of things. Focus on learning who he is. Replace your fear with curiosity: who is this man in front of me? I want to know who he is.

Also, realize more fully that this alertness during a date/ relationship is very ineffective and will lead to an ongoing bad relationship or to a potentially good relationship ending very prematurely.

Practice with dates, practice with everyone. When you express that you accept your own fears, sadness, you communicate to the other person that you will accept his fear and his sadness. (whether the man will proceed to reveal himself honestly or try to take advantage of your “weaknesses” – which are really strengths- well, that is something for you to learn about the man.

anita