Dear annema:

I might be picking on a word, but I don’t think it is a defect in him, something he was born with, but an injury he suffered in childhood. Problem is, he can’t work on it if he is not willing. Working on it, proceeding in being a family with you and the children, would have required him to feel distress that he doesn’t want to feel. The fact that he said he has no commitment issues whatsoever is very telling because who doesn’t ? And someone displaying his behavior, commitment issues is all over the map.

As to your last line, people very often see what is convenient to see and turn a blind eye to what is distressing to see. So we all try to avoid distress/ pain- it is an instinct we are born with, true to him, true to you.

But he did a few things that are unconscionable, in order to avoid distress: he lied to you when you asked him repeatedly what you did and he didn’t follow through over a long, long time, not stopping along the way to consider how it effected you and the children. The latter didn’t distress him that much…

I think you mentioned he is charming and everyone loves him and he is big and strong on the outside. Lots of people are charming and yet are not good people. I think not following through repeatedly what one says to a child who loves you is outside the definition of a good person.

anita