Hi Anita,

Thank you so much for your kind words! I have a really good relationship with all of my family members. I would say my sister is my best friend (only have one sibling). My parents are supportive and there whenever I need anything. They can be critical at times but I couldn’t ask for better parents. My parents do tend to ignore my depressive tendencies. I feel like the signs have always been there but they ignore it. I’ve shared with them about going to see a therapist but their advice was always make sure you don’t go on any medication. If I was in a mood it was implied that I wasn’t trying hard enough to be happy. I think it’s just that they don’t understand and don’t truly attempt to understand what I’m going through like many people who’ve never experienced a mental illness. My sister understands my struggle, not fully, but she tries and she always listens. We are the type of family that goes out of the way for each other though and I’m grateful to have them in my life. I know with 100 percent certainty they all love me unconditionally.

I find it difficult to articulate exactly what my issue is in forming meaningful relationships outside my family. A few years ago in graduate school I was really close with a friend who actually lived with my family and I for a few months. During that time I considered her as my sister. We spent a lot of time together and she just got me. She wound up moving in with her boyfriend to another state and settled into old patterns. She tended to throw herself completely into a relationship neglecting to communicate with other people on a regular basis or even attempt to spend time with other people. I’d text her and not receive a response for days or weeks or sometimes not at all. If and when she’d finally respond there’d be no apology. Sporadically she would reach out (once every few months randomly) to see how I was doing. She usually did this by phone and her boyfriend who I was good friends with would be in the room during our conversations which made me sorta uncomfortable since it was the first time I’d be talking to her for months. I also visited her last year and it was kinda awkward she seemed to want to do whatever her bf wanted to do and if he didn’t want to do it we wouldn’t wind up doing anything. Recently met up with them again when they visited New York City and there was no really give and take in conversation. They didn’t ask how my trip was or what I’m up to since I quit my job. I kinda just shared the information and they didn’t ask many questions about my experiences. I also shared about my upcoming trips and there were no questions. We kinda just spoke about what they were up to. I feel like I’m rambling haha but long story short I’ve stopped trying to maintain this friendship because I don’t feel like she cares and I don’t feel the closeness we once had where I could tell her anything.And also instances when I felt she withheld upsetting things that happened in her life when I’d ask her how she was doing she would reply good and how everything was great. But I would find out months later, when the event had already happened and she was in a better place, that she was going through something. It made me feel as though she was being inauthentic or dishonest. I would share my true feelings with her when she would ask how things were going. If things were awesome I’d tell her. If they were depressing or something sad happened to me I’d share. I spoke to my sister about this and she says that sometimes when you’re sad you don’t even want to think about those events and definitely don’t want to share them with others. I took it as you don’t trust me enough to share. Maybe I’m just taking this personally?

I feel as though I can form connections but it doesn’t go further then talking about the things we have in common and we grab dinner or hang somewhere but i don’t find it’s getting to the point where I can really share my struggles with someone or feel like someone genuinely gets me. I believe this has to do with distance though. I live about 1.5 hours from any of my friends. It’s actually not that far but it requires for me and the other person to make special plans to meet. But regardless no one really keeps in touch with me anymore. I feel like I do reach out to people but not as much anymore because I don’t want to really share that I still haven’t found a secure means of making money or even a set plan for what’s to come. All of my friends are established in their careers so it might be that I’m afraid of their judgement. I guess I don’t trust them enough to not judge me.

I do also have less tolerance for perceived transgressions in friendships. I find I can cut people off easily and not feel particularly bad about it. Case and point my (ex)best friend. I wonder if other people would have continued a friendship with someone they felt they had nothing in common with just for the sake of being friends with them for 10 plus years. That wasn’t the only issue but I felt I couldn’t be myself without repercussions.

I think another issue is my comfort with being alone but not lonely.I spend a healthy amount of time alone and it doesn’t make me sad. In the past, 4 years ago, I would be sad if I had to spend a Friday or Saturday alone. Now it doesn’t bother me at all (I think this might just be because I’m getting older). But just because I’m comfortable doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy others company when I do spend time with them. I just feel as though having connections is not necessary for me to be happy. While I don’t feel particularly sad about this I do feel concerned as I feel it’s normal for people to have at least a few close friendships or relationships.

Not sure exactly how this all connects but I do believe there’s a connection to the breakup I went through 5 years ago. There’s fear there and it has affected my desire to seek a romantic relationship. I have tried over the years but no one I pursued was interested in a romantic relationship.

Would love to hear your thoughts on this! Thanks!

Gen