I apologize if this post seems like it is disjointed. I am feeling very sad. I spent several hours this weekend with my wife and daughter, my daughter and I spend a lot of time together, but rarely with my wife. Things went well, but every time we started to get emotionally intimate, she either distracted herself with her phone or became angry, often times, but not always directed at me. After the weekend, I invited her to attend a local music fest with me and possibly a date night on Friday, since I already had a sitter lined up. For the music festival, she said she would invite a friend, a specific friend that she knows that I do not get along with. For the date night, she said she would think about it. I told her that I did not want to attend the music fest with her friend, a first for me since I usually just go along with her desires. She said that if her friend wasn’t invited, that she wasn’t sure she wanted to go. I told her that I would have to think about it. I have since decided, but not had the conversation yet, that I am going to buy tickets for myself alone and that if her and her friend want to go, then I want to take separate cars and she needs to make childcare arrangements since it is her weekend with our daughter.

Last night, we talked and she still seemed non-committed to the date night and that really bothered me to the point that I talked to her about it today. I told her that when we talked last night, she seemed that she wasn’t that interested in the date night. She said that she really wasn’t. I felt hurt. I told her that I really deeply love her and that I want to rebuild a romantic relationship with her, that the only way that I knew how to do that was to spend time with her and dates made sense in that regard. I told her that if she had other ideas I would like to know them. I also told her that if she wasn’t emotionally ready, I would like to know. She said “I’ll think about it”. Which tells me nothing. She then asked if this is a conversation that I really want to have on the phone. It is not, but she never speaks to me one-to-one except on the phone. I was frustrated by her lack of communication, so I told her that I thought that her anger was preventing her form seeing me for who I am, and from being able to be with me now and look past what has angered her. That she needed to process her anger (probably not the best thing I could have said) and that I could not do that for her, that I can only be who I am now, that I am not the person she knew months ago, and that she was not giving me a chance.

I also told her that it is difficult, frustrating, and hurtful for me to keep reaching out to her and keep expressing my love, only to be rejected and treated with such anger. I also told her that I do not need her, that I will be happy without her, but that I do deeply love her and want to be with her. She responded very reactively with “Well, if you feel that way, you could just file the papers”. There are no papers that we have started or filled out – obliviously referring to divorce proceedings. I asked her if that was what she wanted, because that is not what I want. She said “some days”.

I am at my emotional rope’s end. I have exhausted all of what I know to do. I have given all of the effort that I can give to this. I am faced with what I see as four options and am not sure which way to go.

1. Keep reaching out to her with loving kindness as I can. I fear this will lead to anger and resentment on my part because I get nothing but manipulation and abuse in return.

2. Do nothing. Let her know that I am angry. Intentionally avoid my people pleasing nature and avoid interactions with her, except as necessary to ensure a safe and loving environment for our daughter.

3. Make papers and sign them.

4. Some hybrid of 1 and 2 as my emotional capacity allows, show loving kindness, else protect myself, knowing that she may get upset.

I really need help understanding what to do and I also know no-one knows what I should do, but me.

As I have written this, I realize that I am not ready for 3. I can no longer do 1. Right now I need to do 2. I will eventually go to 4. I guess what I really need is encouragement to do what I feel I need to do.