Dear idonno:

I don’t think the response above will work for you. It is more of the same that will reinforce the feelings in her that are not congruent with intimacy with you. In other words, this response will get you the opposite of what you want.

What I will say to her, if I was you would be:

“Okay. We can make a divorce happen.”

That’s it. Nothing else. If you say the above, you create a space in her brain where she is no longer feeling pressured by you tot be together. There will be a relief and in that relief, over time, there is the only chance for her feelings for you to change.

Notice, in the response I suggested, you didn’t discuss when it will happen and what the conditions of it will be. This would be for another conversation. Another time. If she brings up timing and conditions, respond only to what you are comfortable discussing, such that a divorce should be done with the thought of your daughter’s well being in mind. But don’t discuss anything you don’t want to discuss.

I will not add anything about how hurt you are, and how you want there to be a reconciliation at some point in the future, nothing of that kind.

And so, you will allow the two of you to relax into this very plausible reality. And paradoxically, you allow in that relaxation, the only chance this relationship may have to recover, over time.

anita