Anita,

She did say she wanted a divorce, in the most indirect way she could. (In retrospect, I think that is where a lot of underlying conflict and anger stems from. She is conflict avoidant and I just never knew what her wants and needs were, unless I was sensitive enough at that time to recognize it.) I noticed that she was not wearing her wedding ring when we sat down to dinner. She talked about her day, our daughter, and a lot of other things. Then her tone changed as we spoke about preparing the house for sale. I could tell that she was frustrated at me for not clearing out some belongings that we share, just as I am frustrated at her for not offering to help.

At that point I could tell there was something else that she really wanted to discuss but was afraid to bring it up. I asked her, what else? She said we needed to find a good mediator, that it will take some time and several meetings. I asked her what she meant. I wanted her to tell me what she wanted, not inform me about the mediation process. She couldn’t bring herself to say it, so I asked “Do you want to get a divorce?”. Instead of saying yes, she said that she really still loves me but she can’t live with me, that this has not been fair to me, that I keep getting hurt, and that I deserve better. I agreed with her. I told her that if she wants a divorce, that we could do that and I pulled off my wedding ring. All of this was in a very calm and non-reactive manner.

At that point, her demeanor became much more relaxed. We talked about a lot of things and made great connection. We made an agreement to have the house ready for sale by the beginning of July. She kept offering me advice to move in with my sister, which felt more like telling me what to do than advice. I told her that I don’t want to live with my sister and since she keeps bringing it up, though I know she does not intend it that way, it comes across as telling me what to do. She realized that and instead of getting defensive, she said she didn’t mean it that way and would stop offering me advice on my next living location. Then we spoke about apartment locations in the area closer to where she is living. Through this conversation, I also told her that I am withdrawing from her emotionally. She said that she didn’t want me to do that, that she was afraid it would build anger towards her. I told her that was not the case, that I am putting my emotional needs before a relationship with her, that I am putting my wants and needs before what I thought her wants were. We ended the evening with us exchanging “I love you” and me agreeing to text her when I get to her parents house. I am driving my daughter up to see her cousins this weekend.

After all of this, I felt relieved (what a strange emotion to feel, but it is what it is) and hopeful. This morning, I woke up early and couldn’t get back to sleep. I still felt some relief and hope, but now some sadness. Thoughts were running through my head as to what I should do next; remove our wedding and family photos from the walls, start packing away stuff for charity, etc. I’m not doing any of that, yet. I need time. If and when I do that, I will use it as a process to grieve. I want to both have hope and move on…

So, this gives me hope still that the relationship can be salvaged. But I don’t want my hopes to be crushed… I want to wait and move on at the same time. It looks like I have created this limbo that I am tired of being in. I think I will do both, I will emotionally detach (that will take time and effort), I will grieve, I will be open to reconciliation but I will try not to force it or expect it. All of these are difficult things, but I know I will get through it with a few tears and several trips to the gym to release frustration.