I am sorry your heart Is so heavy right now. The world is a very lonely place when you don’t have connections to anchor you and make you feel safe and loved. Just prior to several major life changes, I went through a similar state of mind. My husband at the time would use my worst fears about my life’s potential failures against me and intentionally make me feel small, weak, and vulnerable. I now know that he was sensing my awakening to the realization that I was unhappy with life and especially with my marriage to him. He used that to try and hold on to me by means of intimidation and and fear as if to say “You are not worthy, but if you just stay and continue to serve my needs and let me beat you down emotionally then I will love you.” (as if it was hard to love me and a noble sacrifice on his part to put up with me)

What I came to realize is that I had not experienced love. True love does not come with those kinds of conditions. I had disconnected myself emotionally from everyone because he was constantly reminding me that i was not worthy of love.

I began seeing a therapist weekly just for me. For no other purpose but to sort out my feelings. Through that endeavor I came to realize that I MATTER. How I feel and think actually do matter. I have to take care of me. No one else is better equipped to do the job. No one. And there are some things that only I can give to me.

My friend, if nothing else stands out in all of the loving answers you receive to your query please know this one thing…

The most important relationship you will ever have in this life, is the one you have with yourself.

What this means is…Before you can even know what will make you feel whole and happy and loved, you must love yourself.

There is no need to spend further time and energy feeling bad about the path that has lead you to this unhappy place. Important People in your life have failed you. They will continue to dissappoint you for humans are flawed. They can be dissmissive and unkind and they have taught you through repeated behaviors to feel the way you currently do about yourself.

But life is not a success only journey. Right now you have a beautiful opportunity to explore yourself and discover the world with new eyes. Put yourself first. Remember how to have fun, appreciate all of the wonderful things there are to appreciate about you. Know that you will make mistakes along the way, and that as you become happy Your life will begin to transform around you. You may encounter resistance from those individuals that don’t want you to change because it will require them to make adjustments they were not anticipating. Those that love you will get on board and those that don’t can be gently invited to get out of the way.

It will be hard to believe good things about yourself at first. But you will get better at it. In moments of doubt remember that we all walk this world together. No one person Is more or less important than the next. Work towards finding your center. You will need to put extra time, focus, and energy into yorself In order to acheive balance.
Then you will notice that a vast majority of things that took a great deal of effort before will start to sort themselves out.

Happiness will come. You have to do the hard work of change, but you are worth every bit of effort it will take. Your life has meaning, you are good enough, you are smart enough, you are worthy, you have value, YOU MATTER.

Once you truly know that, you will be able to banish this darkness from your reality forever.