Dear helen123:

It seems to me that there are a few issues that stand in your way toward a loving relationship with a man, issues for you to consider and evaluate for accuracy or inaccuracy. These are possible issues:

1) lack of personal autonomy: you let family rule your personal affairs. Of great importance, unfortunately to you, is who his parents think and approve of and who your parents think and approve of. It should be who you approve of and who the man approve of, the choices of two individuals, not choices of whole families on both sides.

As far as religion goes, it is your choice whether to consider a man of a different religion. And if a man believes you are of a religion unacceptable to him, better not date that guy.

Notice, the second guy who was depressed: he was emotionally unavailable- that should have stopped you in that relationship, but the thought of your parents approving of him made you keep going with you, a mistake, once again, because it should be an individual choice, a personal autonomy issue.

2) Regret: if you came up with the money for a big wedding with the guy long ago, you could very well be miserable now.But you don’t know how it would have turned out. So now, that you are unhappy, you wrongly assume you would have been happy if you married him. This may very well not have been the case. If you paid for a big wedding at that time, you may have gone on giving in and pleasing him and his parents in every way they demanded. That would have made you very miserable.

Summary: I think it is very important for you to gain personal autonomy. Not only in being able to work and pay your bills, but to aim at being emotionally NOT dependent on his parents’ approval or disapproval, or on your parents’ approval or disapproval. Such dependency worked against you so far, not for you.

A major change in your mindset, needs to be made, is my input, for your own benefit. What do you think?

anita