Dear helen123:

First, your own parents proved to me that their advice for you on who to marry has not and will not be a valuable advice because they weren’t able to get along themselves for years, maybe always, and sadly, they weren’t capable of providing a safe, calm home for you. So it would be foolish to aim at getting their approval. Please remind yourself of this point when you forget it.

Second, it is quite clear to me that you wouldn’t have been happy if you were married to that guy long ago. Whenever you regret not marrying him, your regret is based on fantasy, not reality. Please remind this point to yourself… when you forget. (We do tend to forget).

Why is it so hard to find the one who would be a perfect match for you, you asked.

First, I would get rid of the expectation of a “perfect” match. A good-enough match will do. If you expect a perfect match, as there is no such thing as a perfect person, once again, fantasy will stand in your way.

Second, you evaluate a man to figure out, over time, if he is a good enough match. As you discard any thoughts about your parents approving or disapproving of him, make your own evaluation. Finding a good enough match is not a passive endeavor depending on fate or luck. It should be an active process. You STUDY the man, over time. Just as when you look for a dress to buy, you wouldn’t buy the first one you see, without studying the dress: is the size correct? Is it a day dress or a night dress… what does it take to wash it (laundry or dry clean) and so forth. You study the dress, learn about it: how it looks, how it fits, how it washes, does it need ironing, etc. Same with a man, only you take MORE time.

You look around the store, you study the dresses available. Coming to think about it, why don’t you write here what kind of a man would be a good enough match for you (similar to writing what kind of a dress you would be looking for)? Be as detailed as you can be, covering any relevant value and preference that applies to you.

anita