Anita,

I did not have a computer with me over the weekend, but I did read your post on my phone and had some time to think about it and also got some additional feedback from my wife.

First, though. I wanted to ask how you draw the conclusion that “She has been afraid of your anger for a long time”? She certainly does not want to upset me as evidenced by her stating that she is afraid it will make me angry, but I am not sure fear of my anger is necessarily the issue. It could be fear of her guilt that she is reminded of if she sees that I am angry. Besides, my anger is mine and mine alone. What should matter to her is what I do with my actions when I am angry.

So, here are my thoughts; She does not want to get a divorce (she would never tell me that is what she wanted, only that it is the best thing for me), but she recognizes that I have allowed her actions to cause me pain. She blames me for something that I cannot be responsible for, her happiness. Our downward spiral started after my daughter was born and she just kept getting sadder and sadder, then she got angrier and angrier and directed a lot of hostility to me.

So, does that change your recommendation? No, probably not. I will certainly not be advocating, promoting, or accelerating divorce. But I will also not stand in the way and will be actionable when it comes down to it. I have spent the last three days grieving our love and my loss. As I work through these emotions I am finding some clarity. In the past two days, she has been reaching out to me, texting and calling. It is so frustrating. If she doesn’t want to be with me, then I want her to leave me alone so I can grieve the loss and not keep getting my hopes up, but I’m too afraid that if I tell her that, that I would ruin any slim chance there is of reconciliation.

I have enabled her financially in this separation in hopes of reconciliation. Since that does not appear to be as reasonable of an option as it was in the past, I will at some point, not quickly since I need time, but at some point ask her to be responsible for her own finances on her own. I will certainly see to it that my daughter is taken care of, but I cannot be expected to take care of an adult that does not want to be in a relationship with me, that is not working towards reconciliation in good faith, that does not have any intention of paying me back, that does not have any gratitude for what I provide, and that has the means and employment to take care of herself. I don’t say this out of anger, but out of what is realistic. There should be consequences for our actions and I have shielded her from the financial consequences for fear that if I didn’t, then I would lose her.