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Reply To: Boyfriend with sick father

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#106823
Rock Banana
Participant

Okay.

First off, I’m guessing that this is coming from a place of neediness here. You feel you need this to work out and that you need him to love you, and so on.

Neediness is a common thing, it’s also not very helpful for creating relationships that are enjoyable, have space and so on.

When you know that you are enough all by yourself, and that you don’t need this relationship, and that you don’t need people to love you, a lot of these problems melt away all on their own.

Another thing that I’m seeing here is worrying thinking. As is usual, it’s “awfulizing” about the future, the thoughts don’t really make logical sense, they’re just typical worried thinking. If we have a look here we see things like “I’m worried that I’ve messed up and he’ll never trust me again” and all of this stuff, these are just thoughts not facts, and they are only one way of seeing things. If you believe these thoughts you will end up doing a few things, including being worried, and also, slightly ironically (but not if you realize how undermining neediness and worry are) messing up the relationship you’ve been trying so hard to keep working.

Just back off this whole thing and relax a little. Understand that you are enough as you are now, that different outcomes are fine and that you can deal with them (like you moved on from your last relationship and let go – so it is possible). Wanting this to work out is one thing, being needy and attached to the outcome and worried about what if it doesn’t work out is another, far less useful thing.

As for “what to do” – what’s funny is that in a way, it’s so simple. Just listen. Relax, create space, and just listen to what’s up and what’s going on. You don’t need to contribute much. Notice how you think he’s a great listener and you feel better after talking to him. Perhaps you already know what you could do to help?