Hello Janine,

You kind of described my relation to my mother in short… Looking from outside, as a stranger, she didn’t do anything wrong. We lost our father when I was 13, and since then she tried to take care of me and my sister, provide for us, clean the house, cook meals. From outside she was ‘the perfect’ parent, the victim, the strong woman raising 2 kids in tough times. But behind closed doors, there was constant screaming, blaming, constant negative energy. She comes from abusive alcoholic family, and she never knew happiness or love, so she was unable to channel it to us. She loved being the victim, loved the sympathy from the environment. No one believed me that she was an addict from pain killers and sedatives, that she smokes in the house though I begged her not to (my dad died from cancer, and I was worried about mine and my sister health, cancer genes can be passed on). And yes, at times she’d throw objects at me. I can’t remember how many times I stayed for days at a friends’ house, and later at my boyfriend’s.She wouldn’t even call to check where I am. No one from the family tried to help me cause how can you attack a grieving widow who dedicated her life to her kids (she never re-married or dated anyone after my father’s death). I can only say she was more interested in the ‘glory’, the sympathy and the attention from the environment than in men or the mental well being of her kids .

I didn’t really follow what are the reasons for your anger toward your mother, but I can totally relate to her constantly feeling like ‘the victim’,the good mum syndrome, the guilt trap, the support from your father that goes to her. I know you are teenager and your hormones make you even more sensitive in the situation, and part of you knows this, that’s why you feel guilt. But, I don’t know.. I still don’t have kids, but maybe the first step for you is to stop feeling guilty. Because we’ve all been teenagers, our future children will be teenagers, those are sensitive years, and girls your age shouldn’t be judged with the same criteria as someone who is 28 for example. If I were a parent, i think I’d expect my children to act impulsive, to be sensitive, to make mistakes at that time. I think that at that time parents should be the ones who make the ‘forgiving’, not the other way round.

And if she is ‘technically’ good mother, I think as well you do your best to be good daughter too. I was the best student in my class, never misbehaved, never stayed late, never did drugs, alcohol or smoked, never asked for expensive clothes, never did incidents of any kind. i was not ones praised for anything, she’d just rather yell for hours for a banal thing like ‘you didn’t wash the dishes 5 minutes after you finished your meal’. However innocent it seems, this can be quite damaging.

One of the most difficult lessons we have to learn in life is that our parents are just.. people, common mortals who also make mistakes. That they might have had best intentions, but it doesn’t mean that they always knew what’s best. We can only pray that we’ll get that part better with our children, and won’t allow trivial things or problems to build a wall of negative energy between us, that we will hear them when they have problem and help instead of attacking them. And we’d know where to draw the line. One of he toughest thing to do is to break free from our parents’ shadow, acknowledge that we have our own path to follow, and new horizons to reach. Forgive them for not doing their best, forgive us cause we expected for them to be perfect just because they were our parents. I know that it seems impossible for you to realize this at this point, but once you gain your independence, your distance, your objectivity, it will be much easier to get rid of that anger. Don’t feel guilty now because of it, I am afraid that it is only the time and the natural development of events that will get you there…Just be patient, and believe in yourself.

In the mean time, enjoy some of the perks of teenage life, like spending time with your friends, dreaming about the future, falling in love, listening to good music… These things have special wonderful taste when you are 18… I am sure you have many reasons to be happy and smile.

• This reply was modified 8 years, 6 months ago by Maria_L.